To my last post. I know I won't. It is just perfectionism at work, making me think I've got a chance of actually living for days, weeks, months on 300 calories per day while working out/training for a race, etc.. It is setting myself up for failure, to think that something wouldn't come along and derail my efforts in some way.
I think the problem is with my goal date setting. To have to meet the criteria by a deadline is putting me into a position to have to put out 150% effort just to get through a day.
I am going to rethink my whole approach. I need to take a step back and figure something out that is doable.
I need a break to figure out where I stand. Not only on the weight loss front, but also with other areas of my life. I've been trying to force things, instead of admitting that they aren't working. I need to slow down, and allow myself some breathing room.
So...I'm taking a few days...the rest of this month, at least until Monday March 2nd. When I come back, I hope to have my life figured out, more than just what to do with weight loss, but how to have more balance in my life, and plans to succeed at more things than ONLY the weight loss.
I think the SBC is complicating things, and preventing me from thinking properly. I'm not sure if continuing with a goal-date mentality is the right thing for me at this time. I don't know--but it comes down to the bottom line: is it helping me to lose weight, or is it hurting? So far, whether it be the challenge, or just a combination of other things, I'd have to say it hasn't been good for me. Maybe--like I mentioned, it is bad timing?
I wish you all the best and may you reach your SBC goals! I hope you continue to do well. I'm only going to be out for 3 days (maybe more), but afterwards, I'll be more centered and ready to have realistic expectations and goals. 100 lbs. is still my max goal weight, and always will be, but I may lower the torment level, and try to at least like myself a little in the meantime.
I'll be reading on clean eating as well. Who knows? Maybe a down-to-earth healthy approach is what I need right now?
Thank you to all my readers for all your support thus far! I'll do my best to be better than ever as March gets underway.
I'm going for results! --Not just grandiose ideals. Anybody can come up with a great sounding plan...but it takes more than that to succeed! February was unproductive. But March is going to take me to the next level. I'm going to make sure of that.
I'll probably enjoy reading your blogs, as I take breaks in the next few days. Please write lots! I'll comment as much as time permits. ♥'s to all.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Now I know.
I remember now, why I was successful in Dec. and Jan. for weight loss (approximately 10 lbs. each month). I was trying for about 300 calories per day intake.
I've taken some time this morning to go back over some basic numbers.
My RMR at my goal weight is 1075. At the lowest activity level, it raises to 1290. At my current weight it would 21.5 % higher, which really isn't many calories per day. (@ 200 calories or so)
I also checked on the difference between my 93 lb. calorie expenditure vs. my current weight in various exercise activities that I engage in regularly. The range was 20-25% higher...which amounts to 1-2 calories per minute higher in some of the more intense cardio, but pretty much the same in other activities.
So I'm going to continue using my goal weight of 93 lbs. as my standard for all figures.
I have 18 weeks until July 4th (goal date) to reach the 100 lbs. mark. At this goal, I need to lose 2.5 lbs. per week.
I've scheduled a weekly workout plan to take .5 lbs. off per week, with the remaining coming from restricted caloric intake, which would be an additional deficit of 1000 calories per day, so...
Daily caloric limit = 300
Workout plan =
lifting weights 25 sets of 25, 3 x's per week
25 minutes stretching 6 days per week
Running a total of 12.5 miles per week, various distances each day (total of 50 miles per month)
10 minutes on the stair stepper 2 x's per week
20 minutes on stationary bike 2 x's per week
If I eat over 300 calories in a day, I can use the elliptical here at home to compensate. Weekends could be tricky, since hubby is home, and my family always wants us to go out with them.
We still are in a shortage of funds for grocery shopping. This makes the next 7 days (until payday) difficult, however I am going to do my best.
At least know why I didn't lose much in February now--by the numbers. It all makes sense.
I'm a bit concerned at this schedule/plan. I know I can do it...but will I?
I soooo want to be 100 lbs. by July 4th. Let's see if my actions can prove it !!!
I've taken some time this morning to go back over some basic numbers.
My RMR at my goal weight is 1075. At the lowest activity level, it raises to 1290. At my current weight it would 21.5 % higher, which really isn't many calories per day. (@ 200 calories or so)
I also checked on the difference between my 93 lb. calorie expenditure vs. my current weight in various exercise activities that I engage in regularly. The range was 20-25% higher...which amounts to 1-2 calories per minute higher in some of the more intense cardio, but pretty much the same in other activities.
So I'm going to continue using my goal weight of 93 lbs. as my standard for all figures.
I have 18 weeks until July 4th (goal date) to reach the 100 lbs. mark. At this goal, I need to lose 2.5 lbs. per week.
I've scheduled a weekly workout plan to take .5 lbs. off per week, with the remaining coming from restricted caloric intake, which would be an additional deficit of 1000 calories per day, so...
Daily caloric limit = 300
Workout plan =
lifting weights 25 sets of 25, 3 x's per week
25 minutes stretching 6 days per week
Running a total of 12.5 miles per week, various distances each day (total of 50 miles per month)
10 minutes on the stair stepper 2 x's per week
20 minutes on stationary bike 2 x's per week
If I eat over 300 calories in a day, I can use the elliptical here at home to compensate. Weekends could be tricky, since hubby is home, and my family always wants us to go out with them.
We still are in a shortage of funds for grocery shopping. This makes the next 7 days (until payday) difficult, however I am going to do my best.
At least know why I didn't lose much in February now--by the numbers. It all makes sense.
I'm a bit concerned at this schedule/plan. I know I can do it...but will I?
I soooo want to be 100 lbs. by July 4th. Let's see if my actions can prove it !!!
Evaluation
I've just been looking over past posts, checking progress and all that. I'm noticing a pattern of eating between 700 and 1000 calories oftentimes, as well as binginess. Workouts have overall improved over the last month, as I've gotten into better shape; but on the whole, I've only lost just over 3 lbs. this month (since starting my blog). It is a wake-up call.
Ok...so what was I doing differently in Dec. and Jan. to produce more successful weight loss? Something to analyze and ponder.
I felt like the weight was coming off nicely during the time that I was sticking to fast-5. It was slower than I desired, but steady; until I fell apart and binged for a whole week, gaining a few lbs. back. I never did figure out exactly what the damage was in lbs.--I'm guessing 3-ish? Initially it read 6 lbs., but that included an evening weigh-in, and much needed BM's yet to come.
I've got 2 day's until the next SBC weigh-in. I really need to stay strong.
This is all just a much needed reality check for me. I can do better than this. I need to stabilize.
Ok...so what was I doing differently in Dec. and Jan. to produce more successful weight loss? Something to analyze and ponder.
I felt like the weight was coming off nicely during the time that I was sticking to fast-5. It was slower than I desired, but steady; until I fell apart and binged for a whole week, gaining a few lbs. back. I never did figure out exactly what the damage was in lbs.--I'm guessing 3-ish? Initially it read 6 lbs., but that included an evening weigh-in, and much needed BM's yet to come.
I've got 2 day's until the next SBC weigh-in. I really need to stay strong.
This is all just a much needed reality check for me. I can do better than this. I need to stabilize.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Fatboy, The Movie
Very inspiring!
I am once again brought to curiosity about clean eating. I'm going to look into it for a few days. I've checked it out before, but it seemed like a lot of food per day--which I really don't want to buy into just now. And I can't actually buy any groceries until March 5th anyway. In the meantime, I will be doing my best to keep going down in weight, one way or another.
I definitely think I can put more into my workouts, too.
It is a good motivational weight-loss documentary, and I recommend it as good reverse thinspiration--if nothing else, it'll gross you out on being fat!
I am once again brought to curiosity about clean eating. I'm going to look into it for a few days. I've checked it out before, but it seemed like a lot of food per day--which I really don't want to buy into just now. And I can't actually buy any groceries until March 5th anyway. In the meantime, I will be doing my best to keep going down in weight, one way or another.
I definitely think I can put more into my workouts, too.
It is a good motivational weight-loss documentary, and I recommend it as good reverse thinspiration--if nothing else, it'll gross you out on being fat!
End of day
There were no veggies at the party. My choice was: cupcakes, ...or more cupcakes! So nothing for me, thank you.
9:00 p.m. starving, and home alone.
Shiratake noodles w/ tuna and Italian-style dressing: 250 calories. Soooooooo good, and filling!
Gonna watch "Fatboy: The Movie" It is a documentary which "chronicles the efforts of overweight 'regular Joe' to shed once and for all, the extra 50 lbs. that have burdened him for years."
Might be inspiring. Or not. Depends on the view point of the film-makers.
Edit later: Pretzel Rods w/ dip...another 250. And 200 calories worth of fiber-one cereal. Binge-like situation, definitely!
1200 calories today-250 calories w/o = 950 intake. Not the best, but I'm gonna live through it. I'm planning on laxing in a few hours, once enough time has passed to make the effort effective (in getting empty). I'm fasting until I feel empty enough that when I weigh, today will be long gone.
Why have I felt so out of control this month? I'm not gonna give in to it. I may stumble a bit, but the weight has got to go. The next time I get on the scale (sometime tomorrow), it will be down from this morning's weigh in.
And tomorrow's workout is going to be a killer.
9:00 p.m. starving, and home alone.
Shiratake noodles w/ tuna and Italian-style dressing: 250 calories. Soooooooo good, and filling!
Gonna watch "Fatboy: The Movie" It is a documentary which "chronicles the efforts of overweight 'regular Joe' to shed once and for all, the extra 50 lbs. that have burdened him for years."
Might be inspiring. Or not. Depends on the view point of the film-makers.
Edit later: Pretzel Rods w/ dip...another 250. And 200 calories worth of fiber-one cereal. Binge-like situation, definitely!
1200 calories today-250 calories w/o = 950 intake. Not the best, but I'm gonna live through it. I'm planning on laxing in a few hours, once enough time has passed to make the effort effective (in getting empty). I'm fasting until I feel empty enough that when I weigh, today will be long gone.
Why have I felt so out of control this month? I'm not gonna give in to it. I may stumble a bit, but the weight has got to go. The next time I get on the scale (sometime tomorrow), it will be down from this morning's weigh in.
And tomorrow's workout is going to be a killer.
so far today
Early evening...
I really want to break into a can of tuna...or dip a pretzel rod in some fudge right now. Something...anything... ***frantically looks from side to side, as though someone might catch me in the guilty act***
But-- only part of me wants that. The other part of me (and hopefully the stronger part right now) is telling me that I don't need it, and that I'll be much happier to wait until there are raw veggies available at the party tonight with very little damage.
I only got in 250 'calories' today at the gym. There's no sense in figuring the actual calories burned, because it is less with every lb. I lose. 250 calories is what I would have burned, had I only weighed 93 lbs. . A nice standard to stick to, so that I'll be prepared for the nearly-no-calories-burned-for-the-effort-I put-out rate when I actually reach that weight for real.
I ran 2.5 miles, and walked for 10 minutes with 15% incline for about another 1/3 of a mile. Kind of a weenie workout today. Maybe more to come tonight on the elliptical? Or just going to bed early, to avoid food temptations...
So, I'm 250 calories up, with veggie calories yet to be added. I need to keep my perspective; even though it isn't as good as I was hoping I would do, it is still moving in the proper direction, and weight loss will happen, in spite of my lack of... ? ... (whatever it is that makes one capable of not eating, yet still able to workout for hours on end).
I'm going to head in for a shower, and weigh myself. That should help me to avoid the urge to cram some food-like substance into this already disgusting body.
I've been considering that I should weigh at night, rather than morning. It could deter me from eating during the day. No one wants to be mocked by the scale, while they still carry evidence of the crime on (or in) their person!!!
I really want to break into a can of tuna...or dip a pretzel rod in some fudge right now. Something...anything... ***frantically looks from side to side, as though someone might catch me in the guilty act***
But-- only part of me wants that. The other part of me (and hopefully the stronger part right now) is telling me that I don't need it, and that I'll be much happier to wait until there are raw veggies available at the party tonight with very little damage.
I only got in 250 'calories' today at the gym. There's no sense in figuring the actual calories burned, because it is less with every lb. I lose. 250 calories is what I would have burned, had I only weighed 93 lbs. . A nice standard to stick to, so that I'll be prepared for the nearly-no-calories-burned-for-the-effort-I put-out rate when I actually reach that weight for real.
I ran 2.5 miles, and walked for 10 minutes with 15% incline for about another 1/3 of a mile. Kind of a weenie workout today. Maybe more to come tonight on the elliptical? Or just going to bed early, to avoid food temptations...
So, I'm 250 calories up, with veggie calories yet to be added. I need to keep my perspective; even though it isn't as good as I was hoping I would do, it is still moving in the proper direction, and weight loss will happen, in spite of my lack of... ? ... (whatever it is that makes one capable of not eating, yet still able to workout for hours on end).
I'm going to head in for a shower, and weigh myself. That should help me to avoid the urge to cram some food-like substance into this already disgusting body.
I've been considering that I should weigh at night, rather than morning. It could deter me from eating during the day. No one wants to be mocked by the scale, while they still carry evidence of the crime on (or in) their person!!!
144.0
Add on another 250 calories to last night. I'm over it now, because I was down by another 1.2 lbs. today.
My day's plans changed today, to help someone out, and ended up involving lunch at Arby's. I had 2/3 of Arby-Q sandwich and 2/3 of a small curly fries. 500 calories. I don't hate myself.
I have yet to go do my workout. I'm going to try my best to be rid of all 500 of those calories, but I've got a going-away party tonight, so more to come, possibly. There will be veggies, so not as bad as it could be. That's if I eat. But if I don't, I might be tempted when I get home tonight. Late at night is when I have the least control. I'm tired by then, so less willpower, and I procrastinate on going to bed = bad news.
I'm super hoping to be something lower than my start weight of SBC by Saturday's weigh in!!!!! I'm 1.4 lbs. away from it right now. 2 days away. It's possible, if I behave. Is it cheating to drink a weight-loss tea to empty out my gut?
Oh...and I discovered the world's greatest breakfast beverage! Sugar free amp energy drink!!! It's carbonated, not to hard on the taste buds, gives me energy, and curbs hunger!!! Only 10 calories for the whole 2-serving can!
My day's plans changed today, to help someone out, and ended up involving lunch at Arby's. I had 2/3 of Arby-Q sandwich and 2/3 of a small curly fries. 500 calories. I don't hate myself.
I have yet to go do my workout. I'm going to try my best to be rid of all 500 of those calories, but I've got a going-away party tonight, so more to come, possibly. There will be veggies, so not as bad as it could be. That's if I eat. But if I don't, I might be tempted when I get home tonight. Late at night is when I have the least control. I'm tired by then, so less willpower, and I procrastinate on going to bed = bad news.
I'm super hoping to be something lower than my start weight of SBC by Saturday's weigh in!!!!! I'm 1.4 lbs. away from it right now. 2 days away. It's possible, if I behave. Is it cheating to drink a weight-loss tea to empty out my gut?
Oh...and I discovered the world's greatest breakfast beverage! Sugar free amp energy drink!!! It's carbonated, not to hard on the taste buds, gives me energy, and curbs hunger!!! Only 10 calories for the whole 2-serving can!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
145.2
Ok, so I'm gaining back lost ground. This morning, I am only up 2.6 lbs. from my original SBC start weight.
Technically, I suck. When Superbowl Sunday was here, (Feb. 1st), I was hovering around the 145 lb. mark. So, by the end of this month, I will have hardly lost any weight whatsoever. A whole month, and nothing to show for it.
But!!! At least I'm down! Over 20 lbs. from where I started. I'm still going, still working on it, and I'm not going to quit; because eventually I WILL get back to 100 lbs. or less!!!!!! As long as I'm still breathing, I have that day--an opportunity to push through and make progress. I am determined. No set-back is going to keep me away my destination. I am not giving up.
Technically, I suck. When Superbowl Sunday was here, (Feb. 1st), I was hovering around the 145 lb. mark. So, by the end of this month, I will have hardly lost any weight whatsoever. A whole month, and nothing to show for it.
But!!! At least I'm down! Over 20 lbs. from where I started. I'm still going, still working on it, and I'm not going to quit; because eventually I WILL get back to 100 lbs. or less!!!!!! As long as I'm still breathing, I have that day--an opportunity to push through and make progress. I am determined. No set-back is going to keep me away my destination. I am not giving up.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Better, at least
I should never attempt a complete fast on the tail of binge-a-thon. At the moment, I am at 395 unaccounted for calories. Not to mention sodium. But it's 1 & 1/2 hours to midnight, and I'm too pooped to get my butt back on the elliptical again.
I'm missing my fast-5. But it's too soon to trust myself to that yet.
But on the whole, at least I'm not binging. And I got lots of cardio done today.
I miss being able to shop for grocery items. We're almost out of fruits and veggies, etc. But never mind that. I'm not going to make excuses. I've still got everything I need to succeed in losing weight all week long; which is: a never-ending supply of water. Back to basics. What else is really necessary besides that?
I've just added several new blogs to my list, so I'll have plenty of reading to catch up on. Many of you are doing SBC. So, I guess you'll all be keeping tabs on my atomic failure from last week. But one good thing has come out of it: I remembered how it was that I got in this position of desperation in the first place.
When I try to figure it all out, I come to the conclusion that recovery has to flow from deeper down than trying to mimic normalcy. Yeah, I could try living normal with food again, (I did, actually--thus my almost 70 lbs. gained in 15-ish months) but inside of me is a food demon, who has to be controlled. For much of my life he has been controlled to some extent. But if I should ease up on my efforts, he destroys me. And anything heavier than 100 lbs. is evil (at least for me), and I wonder how low I can go. Not that I should, but it would be nice to experience just once.
Have I ever felt thin enough? No. But I never will. I know that now, although I may not always act on it, for the sake of survival and my loved ones. But there has to be a fine line between being myself, who I am, and being what I think others need me to be. I can't be fat for the sake of other's happiness. I can't even settle for 'healthy', which is basically just another word for not skinny enough. I know plenty of thin people, who aren't dying. No one freaks out on them; but because my ED was outed (my own fault), I'm constantly watched. So I've just got to be smarter now.
Anyway...
Today wasn't a dismal failure at least. And it still has me pointed in the direction I desire to go, so I'm ok with that. Tomorrow, I'll try to be stronger. Some days go better than others. That's life.
Keep up the great work, SBC-ers! Your stats are awesome so far!
I'm missing my fast-5. But it's too soon to trust myself to that yet.
But on the whole, at least I'm not binging. And I got lots of cardio done today.
I miss being able to shop for grocery items. We're almost out of fruits and veggies, etc. But never mind that. I'm not going to make excuses. I've still got everything I need to succeed in losing weight all week long; which is: a never-ending supply of water. Back to basics. What else is really necessary besides that?
I've just added several new blogs to my list, so I'll have plenty of reading to catch up on. Many of you are doing SBC. So, I guess you'll all be keeping tabs on my atomic failure from last week. But one good thing has come out of it: I remembered how it was that I got in this position of desperation in the first place.
When I try to figure it all out, I come to the conclusion that recovery has to flow from deeper down than trying to mimic normalcy. Yeah, I could try living normal with food again, (I did, actually--thus my almost 70 lbs. gained in 15-ish months) but inside of me is a food demon, who has to be controlled. For much of my life he has been controlled to some extent. But if I should ease up on my efforts, he destroys me. And anything heavier than 100 lbs. is evil (at least for me), and I wonder how low I can go. Not that I should, but it would be nice to experience just once.
Have I ever felt thin enough? No. But I never will. I know that now, although I may not always act on it, for the sake of survival and my loved ones. But there has to be a fine line between being myself, who I am, and being what I think others need me to be. I can't be fat for the sake of other's happiness. I can't even settle for 'healthy', which is basically just another word for not skinny enough. I know plenty of thin people, who aren't dying. No one freaks out on them; but because my ED was outed (my own fault), I'm constantly watched. So I've just got to be smarter now.
Anyway...
Today wasn't a dismal failure at least. And it still has me pointed in the direction I desire to go, so I'm ok with that. Tomorrow, I'll try to be stronger. Some days go better than others. That's life.
Keep up the great work, SBC-ers! Your stats are awesome so far!
embarrassed/typo
OMG. My last post, (which I have now edited) said I wanted to lose to 139 lbs. ... or more? I must have been so tired typing that last night, to use the opposite word I intended. I meant to say that I want to lose down to 139 lbs., but then hopefully to lose more than that. But it came out sounding like I planned to weigh 139 lbs. or more, as in 'I don't really care if I lose any weight at all!!!' Wow. You all must think I'm crazy.
Today, the fast is on. I feel so happy to be back in control.
I'm on gym duty tonight for 1 1/2 hours, during which time I will try to spend as much as possible running.
I'll be on the ellyptical at home...for extra, and a stretch routine today. Weights too? Maybe.
Oh--and I almost forgot. The scale had me at 146.8 today pre-BM, so that's much better than last night's weigh-in. Not that I earned the weight loss. But it was still nice to see. Tomorrow will be even better!
Today, the fast is on. I feel so happy to be back in control.
I'm on gym duty tonight for 1 1/2 hours, during which time I will try to spend as much as possible running.
I'll be on the ellyptical at home...for extra, and a stretch routine today. Weights too? Maybe.
Oh--and I almost forgot. The scale had me at 146.8 today pre-BM, so that's much better than last night's weigh-in. Not that I earned the weight loss. But it was still nice to see. Tomorrow will be even better!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Here we go!
Today was awesome. I am so ready to start tomorrow.
Church was exactly what I hoped it would be, and I am ready to be disciplined! I want this so much. I am going to change! No more pathetic-ness. No more whining. No more living based on my feelings!
I spent today hanging out with my family and... eating as much as I can of whatever...because:
I'm going to weigh in tonight, at the end of the day, after eating for 8 freaking days! I'll see the absolutely worst possible scenario, which is going to be my shameful new start weight for SBC. I've been as bad as I can be, and I want to be completely and utterly disgusted. I expect it to be horrendous, and it had better sicken me to see it; although I've spent a great deal of time on the crapper today...don't know what's going on there!?!... I didn't try to do that. But I'm guessing that by now, after food all week, I'm full of Poo, and I should hopefully weigh a ton, as my rightful punishment. I deserve every lb. that is swinging from my hippo-bottom-us. Hungry Hates Hippo. That's what I'm going to chant to myself as I pound out every mile on the treadmill.
Tomorrow is it.
No more mercy.
Tomorrow, I am on a 5-day, virtually non-calorie liquid fast. If I eat anything, whatsoever, it must be followed by a punishment of equal calories on my elliptical machine, due by midnight of that day, not including my regular workouts, which will be extra, as they are for the purpose of training for my race. I may even require a minimum amount of calories per day additional on the elliptical, just for the heck of it.
'Discipline', 'Determination', 'Motivation',---...I'm starting a collection of motivational words, concepts, ideas, and etc. --a new success blog could possibly act as the 'storage area' for these.
Well, it's midnight. Time for my date with the scale. brb...
149.0 lbs. That is exactly 6.4 lbs. up from my original start weight for SBC 8 days ago. The day my binginess began. 6.4 lbs. of stuff in and on my body that wasn't there just over a week ago. Saltiness, poopiness, and all of today's food, calories, and fat rotting in my bulging gut. That's what I did in 8 days. Cripes!
My work is cut out for me.
So the original goal was to reach...131 lbs. by March 14th. A new, reasonable goal, in light of the current situation would be... (calculating)... ***3 weeks of time remaining vs.4 ...+ 6 lbs. gained...+ pooing and a liquid fast...+ busting my butt running... + fast-5 most of the duration?...***
I'm going to say my new goal to be 139 lbs. or less, emphasis on the less. I'm keeping the personal goal of 50 miles to be the same. That gives me 3 weeks to lose at least 10 lbs., some of which should go away quickly.
I seriously hope you all won't mind my changing this...I've got to have an actually attainable goal to make it worth the effort--I want to have a chance of succeeding at something. I apologize for my failure this past week. I hope you can be understanding. I will do my best not to let you all down again!!!
I've got to get to bed, so as to have a good start on tomorrow's everything.
My best wishes to all of you, on the new week!
Together, we will all make sure that the earth doesn't spin out of it's orbit underneath the obesity of it's own inhabitants. Our comfort pales in comparison to the prevention of our planet careening off it's course. We will save the world! We are heroes, forever to be hallowed in the halls of hunger. Starve on!
Church was exactly what I hoped it would be, and I am ready to be disciplined! I want this so much. I am going to change! No more pathetic-ness. No more whining. No more living based on my feelings!
I spent today hanging out with my family and... eating as much as I can of whatever...because:
I'm going to weigh in tonight, at the end of the day, after eating for 8 freaking days! I'll see the absolutely worst possible scenario, which is going to be my shameful new start weight for SBC. I've been as bad as I can be, and I want to be completely and utterly disgusted. I expect it to be horrendous, and it had better sicken me to see it; although I've spent a great deal of time on the crapper today...don't know what's going on there!?!... I didn't try to do that. But I'm guessing that by now, after food all week, I'm full of Poo, and I should hopefully weigh a ton, as my rightful punishment. I deserve every lb. that is swinging from my hippo-bottom-us. Hungry Hates Hippo. That's what I'm going to chant to myself as I pound out every mile on the treadmill.
Tomorrow is it.
No more mercy.
Tomorrow, I am on a 5-day, virtually non-calorie liquid fast. If I eat anything, whatsoever, it must be followed by a punishment of equal calories on my elliptical machine, due by midnight of that day, not including my regular workouts, which will be extra, as they are for the purpose of training for my race. I may even require a minimum amount of calories per day additional on the elliptical, just for the heck of it.
'Discipline', 'Determination', 'Motivation',---...I'm starting a collection of motivational words, concepts, ideas, and etc. --a new success blog could possibly act as the 'storage area' for these.
Well, it's midnight. Time for my date with the scale. brb...
149.0 lbs. That is exactly 6.4 lbs. up from my original start weight for SBC 8 days ago. The day my binginess began. 6.4 lbs. of stuff in and on my body that wasn't there just over a week ago. Saltiness, poopiness, and all of today's food, calories, and fat rotting in my bulging gut. That's what I did in 8 days. Cripes!
My work is cut out for me.
So the original goal was to reach...131 lbs. by March 14th. A new, reasonable goal, in light of the current situation would be... (calculating)... ***3 weeks of time remaining vs.4 ...+ 6 lbs. gained...+ pooing and a liquid fast...+ busting my butt running... + fast-5 most of the duration?...***
I'm going to say my new goal to be 139 lbs. or less, emphasis on the less. I'm keeping the personal goal of 50 miles to be the same. That gives me 3 weeks to lose at least 10 lbs., some of which should go away quickly.
I seriously hope you all won't mind my changing this...I've got to have an actually attainable goal to make it worth the effort--I want to have a chance of succeeding at something. I apologize for my failure this past week. I hope you can be understanding. I will do my best not to let you all down again!!!
I've got to get to bed, so as to have a good start on tomorrow's everything.
My best wishes to all of you, on the new week!
Together, we will all make sure that the earth doesn't spin out of it's orbit underneath the obesity of it's own inhabitants. Our comfort pales in comparison to the prevention of our planet careening off it's course. We will save the world! We are heroes, forever to be hallowed in the halls of hunger. Starve on!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Almost there.
I was not nice today. Poor hubby, having to put up with me.
But, on the positive side, I think it's finally out of my system. One can only hope.
Wow, what a trip this horrible week has been.
It's over, though.
So I'm working on that new schedule and plan to start Monday. There's a basic feeling of hope starting to grow inside of me once again. If it gets strong enough, I'll ride the wave as long as it lets me. Such is life.
Tomorrow's sermon at church is on self-discipline. I'm looking forward to service, hoping that I'll come away inspired for my newly-revived efforts. And hopefully more than inspiration, but new information on staying motivated and consistent when I'm not 'feeling' it; when the feelings get in the way and undermine the plans. I had lost the 'feeling' of control this week, and it punished me severely. I want to learn how to conquer my worst enemy...and to be true to my goals.
I've got a few obstacles to face, but also the means to overcome them, if I can remain strong enough.
About the SBC--I'm gonna have to start over. My start weight will be in the way...a reminder of my failures. I'm going to get rid of it on my log. I'll evaluate my current situation, and make the necessary changes for my SBC, so that I'm able to continue on, yet still have a chance to succeed at something. Please forgive me for this last week's back-tracking. The results have been sad. But I'm moving forward.
I'm off to work on that schedule...tomorrow, I plan to spend sometime catching up on your blogs. Stay strong, everyone.
But, on the positive side, I think it's finally out of my system. One can only hope.
Wow, what a trip this horrible week has been.
It's over, though.
So I'm working on that new schedule and plan to start Monday. There's a basic feeling of hope starting to grow inside of me once again. If it gets strong enough, I'll ride the wave as long as it lets me. Such is life.
Tomorrow's sermon at church is on self-discipline. I'm looking forward to service, hoping that I'll come away inspired for my newly-revived efforts. And hopefully more than inspiration, but new information on staying motivated and consistent when I'm not 'feeling' it; when the feelings get in the way and undermine the plans. I had lost the 'feeling' of control this week, and it punished me severely. I want to learn how to conquer my worst enemy...and to be true to my goals.
I've got a few obstacles to face, but also the means to overcome them, if I can remain strong enough.
About the SBC--I'm gonna have to start over. My start weight will be in the way...a reminder of my failures. I'm going to get rid of it on my log. I'll evaluate my current situation, and make the necessary changes for my SBC, so that I'm able to continue on, yet still have a chance to succeed at something. Please forgive me for this last week's back-tracking. The results have been sad. But I'm moving forward.
I'm off to work on that schedule...tomorrow, I plan to spend sometime catching up on your blogs. Stay strong, everyone.
The reckoning
My weight is up, not down for my SBC weigh in. I'll be lucky to break even with my start weight by next week's weigh in. I'm too ashamed to post the numbers, so I'm going to show it by +++ signs instead.
My life is not too happy, it is all my fault, and I've got to do something about all of it. I've avoided the truth for far too long, and it's time to force the issues out and pay for my failures.
I don't know how this will look in reality, but it's gotta be done. Today's reckoning day. And probably tomorrow, too, because it may take some time to figure out solutions. Monday, I'm starting a new life. I've got to do whatever it takes.
Weight loss is at the top of the stack.
My life is not too happy, it is all my fault, and I've got to do something about all of it. I've avoided the truth for far too long, and it's time to force the issues out and pay for my failures.
I don't know how this will look in reality, but it's gotta be done. Today's reckoning day. And probably tomorrow, too, because it may take some time to figure out solutions. Monday, I'm starting a new life. I've got to do whatever it takes.
Weight loss is at the top of the stack.
AAAACCCKKKK!
Weight in tomorrow a.m.
OMG, OMG, OMG!
I'm soooo not ready for this. Why, oh why did I agree to the SBC?
I've been so bad all week. I wouldn't be surprised with a 10 lbs. gain.
Where's my lax? I need it, (not that it'll do any good now).
And we're completely out of money for groceries (thanks to spending it all on my elliptical machine). All we have is junk and carbs, so it's a bad, bad situation...
OMG, OMG, OMG!
I'm soooo not ready for this. Why, oh why did I agree to the SBC?
I've been so bad all week. I wouldn't be surprised with a 10 lbs. gain.
Where's my lax? I need it, (not that it'll do any good now).
And we're completely out of money for groceries (thanks to spending it all on my elliptical machine). All we have is junk and carbs, so it's a bad, bad situation...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I'm trying.
Sorry everyone. I didn't mean to leave you hanging. Depression hit me hard, but I am not giving up or giving in to it. I am fighting to get back up and to be/stay strong.
I think that a number of things led up to it. Each one alone, I could have handled no problem; but the culmination of them all at once was more than I could get past on my own. I had my suicide-date anniversary on Sunday, a weekend full of family-meals out, some friend problems that really knocked me for a loop, some financial issues as we try to pay bills to finish out the month, and then my own continued food-failures as the new week began.
It is scary how quickly it can hit. I was afraid to ask my ppl for help, because I'm trying to let everyone feel confident in me again. But after so many days, I finally have gotten the courage to admit that I have hit a rock, so now there are people encouraging me. I also want to thank those of you who have commented to me. I've not posted for a couple days, but I came and checked in, and read some of your blogs, too.
Hubby is holding me accountable on the food. With his help, I'm finally waiting until evening to eat something, so I guess officially, this means I am back on fast-5.
I'm gonna play around with some numbers on weight loss (always cheers me up to decide on a 'plan' of action and schedule), and make up a schedule for myself as to daily routine/home maintenance issues as well. I need something in my life to give me purpose, apart from my weight loss craziness. I get tunnel vision about it, which isn't healthy; and if, like this week I lose my grip on the weight loss, then I get to thinking that I am not worth living (not that I'm going to act on those feelings--but I still felt them, all the same).
So, once again...the mind of the eating disordered at work. But while I work toward my body goals, I'm also going to try to maintain a life, and stay happy in the mean time.
I'm scared to weigh in. Just a bit more time...maybe yet today or tomorrow a.m. It won't be a happy moment.
Thank you, readers...for sticking with me. You have cheered me up tremendously!
I think that a number of things led up to it. Each one alone, I could have handled no problem; but the culmination of them all at once was more than I could get past on my own. I had my suicide-date anniversary on Sunday, a weekend full of family-meals out, some friend problems that really knocked me for a loop, some financial issues as we try to pay bills to finish out the month, and then my own continued food-failures as the new week began.
It is scary how quickly it can hit. I was afraid to ask my ppl for help, because I'm trying to let everyone feel confident in me again. But after so many days, I finally have gotten the courage to admit that I have hit a rock, so now there are people encouraging me. I also want to thank those of you who have commented to me. I've not posted for a couple days, but I came and checked in, and read some of your blogs, too.
Hubby is holding me accountable on the food. With his help, I'm finally waiting until evening to eat something, so I guess officially, this means I am back on fast-5.
I'm gonna play around with some numbers on weight loss (always cheers me up to decide on a 'plan' of action and schedule), and make up a schedule for myself as to daily routine/home maintenance issues as well. I need something in my life to give me purpose, apart from my weight loss craziness. I get tunnel vision about it, which isn't healthy; and if, like this week I lose my grip on the weight loss, then I get to thinking that I am not worth living (not that I'm going to act on those feelings--but I still felt them, all the same).
So, once again...the mind of the eating disordered at work. But while I work toward my body goals, I'm also going to try to maintain a life, and stay happy in the mean time.
I'm scared to weigh in. Just a bit more time...maybe yet today or tomorrow a.m. It won't be a happy moment.
Thank you, readers...for sticking with me. You have cheered me up tremendously!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Pep talk to me.
It has been 3 days of attempted restriction ending in some sort of a failure. I don't know what is causing this, but whatever it is, I need to stop and deal with it. When emotions begin to shout out in our behaviors, it is time to stop and listen. Especially since I never perform well when I'm in self-hate mode. It permeates my whole life, and I fall apart--until I can work it out inside. If I don't correct my thought pattern, I spin into depression-mode.
I'm not feeling good about myself, so it's time to evaluate.
SBC --I posted a few days back that I was afraid I wouldn't make my goals. I wouldn't be surprised if that is why I'm struggling; fear of failure, followed by self-sabotaging behaviors. Typical pattern in my life. Paralyzed by perfectionism.
Time to 'get over it'. I'm going to give the challenge my best, even if I do or don't make my goal weight by March 14th. A best effort is still better than none at all, and will still produce positive results.
The end goal is more important than the time it takes to get there.
Note to self: You can do more than you think you can. Keep going. Never give up. Do your best, and let the results do their part.
I'm not feeling good about myself, so it's time to evaluate.
SBC --I posted a few days back that I was afraid I wouldn't make my goals. I wouldn't be surprised if that is why I'm struggling; fear of failure, followed by self-sabotaging behaviors. Typical pattern in my life. Paralyzed by perfectionism.
Time to 'get over it'. I'm going to give the challenge my best, even if I do or don't make my goal weight by March 14th. A best effort is still better than none at all, and will still produce positive results.
The end goal is more important than the time it takes to get there.
Note to self: You can do more than you think you can. Keep going. Never give up. Do your best, and let the results do their part.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Scale wars
Another visit to losertown...lol! Losertown is one of the sites listed as a link in my blog margin. Anyway, It says that with a zero calorie intake, and a sedentary lifestyle, (yeah, right) that I'll meet my goal weight in time for my race.
So...
I'll just make sure that any food sent in, is worked right back off again in the form of exercise calories. Calories in=calories out, for a total intake of...*drum roll, please*
...NOTHING! And living calories will just be the extra ones that get me there.
Fast-5 still applying, somewhat...because I understand how it works, and will still be working with the principle of the thing.
Loving my elliptical.
I wonder if I dare to get on the scale tomorrow? It hates me; but it won't matter what it says to me anymore, because I know I'm losing, even if it refuses to admit it. So ha! It may win a battle or two, but in the end...I'm gonna win the war.
So...
I'll just make sure that any food sent in, is worked right back off again in the form of exercise calories. Calories in=calories out, for a total intake of...*drum roll, please*
...NOTHING! And living calories will just be the extra ones that get me there.
Fast-5 still applying, somewhat...because I understand how it works, and will still be working with the principle of the thing.
Loving my elliptical.
I wonder if I dare to get on the scale tomorrow? It hates me; but it won't matter what it says to me anymore, because I know I'm losing, even if it refuses to admit it. So ha! It may win a battle or two, but in the end...I'm gonna win the war.
Bye bye weekend.
The weekend is over. And we now can have a break from holidays for a while.
My scale hated me with a passion this morning. It was up by 2.6 lbs. I laxed too much over the weekend, so I'm trying to drink as much water as possible today. I feel very sluggish and blah, but I'm hopeful about a new week, and a chance to try even harder. I've got much work to do to catch up on the SBC goals.
The new elliptical is a life-line. I can work off any calories that find their way past my lips. No excuses, and no more tears. I can work out 24/7 , away from people's comments and concerns.
On another note, I'm starting to have people notice my weight loss. It's nice, if you don't mind people trying to compliment you on the fact that you're not as fat as you were before! They mean well though, and so I won't let it get to me. I'll just work all the harder to make sure that no one ever has to see me fat again.
Well, I'm gonna go read your blogs now. Stay strong luvs. And good luck on the SBC for those of you participating. May we all surpass our goals and be happy. ♥
My scale hated me with a passion this morning. It was up by 2.6 lbs. I laxed too much over the weekend, so I'm trying to drink as much water as possible today. I feel very sluggish and blah, but I'm hopeful about a new week, and a chance to try even harder. I've got much work to do to catch up on the SBC goals.
The new elliptical is a life-line. I can work off any calories that find their way past my lips. No excuses, and no more tears. I can work out 24/7 , away from people's comments and concerns.
On another note, I'm starting to have people notice my weight loss. It's nice, if you don't mind people trying to compliment you on the fact that you're not as fat as you were before! They mean well though, and so I won't let it get to me. I'll just work all the harder to make sure that no one ever has to see me fat again.
Well, I'm gonna go read your blogs now. Stay strong luvs. And good luck on the SBC for those of you participating. May we all surpass our goals and be happy. ♥
Sunday, February 15, 2009
minor melt-down
So, about last night...
The stress of the weekend eating was getting to me. I had a bit of a melt down, in front of hubby, and I was crying and hating myself, and he was trying to make me feel better, clueless what to do about it all. (He knows about my ED, and is helpful as much as he can be--although he doesn't understand most of the time.)
But here's the thing: I was trying to pretend to be 'normal' with food for everyone, while at the same time trying to balance my own issues with needing to lose weight. And with the gym closed for the weekend, and the weather cold, I had no way to compensate for the food I was having to eat.
And to make matters worse, today is the 1 year anniversary of my planned date for suicide (which I didn't go through with, obviously).
So I ended up being dehydrated after yesterday's being off-schedule with my water intake, and I ate salty stuff, double-dosed on lax, had to sit in church this a.m. and ride in a car for 2 hours with the results of the laxing...
The good news: Today, we bought an elliptical machine for me to use at home, the next time I 'need' to deal with stuff. Hubby is the greatest!!!!! He's putting it together right now! :)
Tomorrow, I can start all over, and hopefully recover some of what I've lost in my progress on the SBC. Fasting is definitely going to be a part of it, although I'm not sure the details on that plan yet.
The stress of the weekend eating was getting to me. I had a bit of a melt down, in front of hubby, and I was crying and hating myself, and he was trying to make me feel better, clueless what to do about it all. (He knows about my ED, and is helpful as much as he can be--although he doesn't understand most of the time.)
But here's the thing: I was trying to pretend to be 'normal' with food for everyone, while at the same time trying to balance my own issues with needing to lose weight. And with the gym closed for the weekend, and the weather cold, I had no way to compensate for the food I was having to eat.
And to make matters worse, today is the 1 year anniversary of my planned date for suicide (which I didn't go through with, obviously).
So I ended up being dehydrated after yesterday's being off-schedule with my water intake, and I ate salty stuff, double-dosed on lax, had to sit in church this a.m. and ride in a car for 2 hours with the results of the laxing...
The good news: Today, we bought an elliptical machine for me to use at home, the next time I 'need' to deal with stuff. Hubby is the greatest!!!!! He's putting it together right now! :)
Tomorrow, I can start all over, and hopefully recover some of what I've lost in my progress on the SBC. Fasting is definitely going to be a part of it, although I'm not sure the details on that plan yet.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
crappy lb. issues.
Ugh. I went out to lunch with my hubby (not on fast-5!). I've got another 10 hours to go before the calories are essentially used up. I'm definitely feeling eater's remorse.
And I have to eat out again tomorrow afternoon. I won't know where it is, so I can't plan ahead. I'm going to have to go on willpower, and the horrible memories of today's guilt.
It's cold outside, so no extra workout today to alleviate the pain of it all.
I may try to get in a water fast a day or two next week, but it will be hard, because hubby will be home in the evenings this week. The week after that, he's on the evening shift. I could probably swing an all-week fast then, providing my workouts don't fall as a result.
I'm thinking of laxing tonight, although I know it won't get rid of calories; but it always cheers me up to 'get rid' of something.
Since starting fast-5, I've averaged a weight loss of only .25 lbs. per day. That soooooo is under what I'm wanting to accomplish, and it will definitely NOT get me to my goal weight by June 6th. It needs to be .4 lbs. per day.
And at a rate of .25 per day, I won't make my SBC goal. Some thing's gotta give.
And I have to eat out again tomorrow afternoon. I won't know where it is, so I can't plan ahead. I'm going to have to go on willpower, and the horrible memories of today's guilt.
It's cold outside, so no extra workout today to alleviate the pain of it all.
I may try to get in a water fast a day or two next week, but it will be hard, because hubby will be home in the evenings this week. The week after that, he's on the evening shift. I could probably swing an all-week fast then, providing my workouts don't fall as a result.
I'm thinking of laxing tonight, although I know it won't get rid of calories; but it always cheers me up to 'get rid' of something.
Since starting fast-5, I've averaged a weight loss of only .25 lbs. per day. That soooooo is under what I'm wanting to accomplish, and it will definitely NOT get me to my goal weight by June 6th. It needs to be .4 lbs. per day.
And at a rate of .25 per day, I won't make my SBC goal. Some thing's gotta give.
142.6 ugh.
My scale is fighting against me. I wanted 142.2 today for my Spring Break Challenge start weight, but I'm only 142.6. Now I'm paranoid that I can't make my goal of 131 by March 14th.
I need to haul my fat butt to the gym. It has been 13 hours since I returned from there, and I don't want to go back yet. But I have to, because they are only open until 11 a.m. Then I won't be working out again until Monday evening. So I've gotta do it. Especially since my scale hates me.
What I wanna do is go crawl back into my warm, cozy bed with my sweetie, and sleep in til noon. It's Valentine's Day. But I can't celebrate, because I'm too fat to deserve it.
I need to haul my fat butt to the gym. It has been 13 hours since I returned from there, and I don't want to go back yet. But I have to, because they are only open until 11 a.m. Then I won't be working out again until Monday evening. So I've gotta do it. Especially since my scale hates me.
What I wanna do is go crawl back into my warm, cozy bed with my sweetie, and sleep in til noon. It's Valentine's Day. But I can't celebrate, because I'm too fat to deserve it.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Friday night
I worked out...long, and as hard as I could. I pooped out. My muscles had nothing for me. The calorie burn was 500 today. Not as good as I had hoped, considering I was at the gym for 3 hours.
My food for the day is:
soup 220
jerky 100
bella cheese 100
strawberries 150? Somewhere ballpark of 2 cups fresh, but I'm estimating higher, just in case.
So 570 food, 500 workout. It's ok. Another day down, 112 to go (until race day, and goal weight #1 hopefully).
My food for the day is:
soup 220
jerky 100
bella cheese 100
strawberries 150? Somewhere ballpark of 2 cups fresh, but I'm estimating higher, just in case.
So 570 food, 500 workout. It's ok. Another day down, 112 to go (until race day, and goal weight #1 hopefully).
afternoon, Fri. 13th.
Yay!!! It quit snowing, and the sun is shining!!! The forecast for the next few days has improved as well. I'm seriously happy about this turn of events!
I've had nothing but my green tea sticks (add to water), and they have come through for me in the girl's room, if you know what I mean. I haven't gotten on the scale, however. It's pointless, because I've had a gallon of liquids today. All the more to flush out the fat, I say!!!
I was wrong about my gym duty...I'm working 5-8 !!! 3 hours of working out tonight! That will definitely help!
My HRM said I'd burned off last night's birthday food before I crawled out of bed this a.m. I suppose that's the story every day on fast-5. I've been experimenting with the heated mattress pad. If I turn up the heat, will I burn more calories while I sleep? It is difficult to get in a good night's rest when you're too hot~ lol ! I'd rather be skinny than sleep, though, so it's worth it.
Thanks to all my readers. You are such an encouragement. I love reading your blogs too, everyday. I'm trying to get to every blog you've ever written on here...but it takes time. You all seem to be great ppl. Luv ya! ☺♥ Hopefully I can add more of you, as time permits.
Off to the gym. Hope your Friday 13th is going as wonderfully as mine has been.
I've had nothing but my green tea sticks (add to water), and they have come through for me in the girl's room, if you know what I mean. I haven't gotten on the scale, however. It's pointless, because I've had a gallon of liquids today. All the more to flush out the fat, I say!!!
I was wrong about my gym duty...I'm working 5-8 !!! 3 hours of working out tonight! That will definitely help!
My HRM said I'd burned off last night's birthday food before I crawled out of bed this a.m. I suppose that's the story every day on fast-5. I've been experimenting with the heated mattress pad. If I turn up the heat, will I burn more calories while I sleep? It is difficult to get in a good night's rest when you're too hot~ lol ! I'd rather be skinny than sleep, though, so it's worth it.
Thanks to all my readers. You are such an encouragement. I love reading your blogs too, everyday. I'm trying to get to every blog you've ever written on here...but it takes time. You all seem to be great ppl. Luv ya! ☺♥ Hopefully I can add more of you, as time permits.
Off to the gym. Hope your Friday 13th is going as wonderfully as mine has been.
Happy Friday 13th
The scale didn't move for me today. Still 142.8. I needed to get 142.6 today. Pre-BM, though, so hopefully it will still make the 142.2 for tomorrow's goal. I may sip a Laci Le Beau tea today, so maybe...
It's snowing like crazy. I hope it will be our last of the season. It looks like it's going to be a big one, too. I just hope it melts off quickly. I was so ready for spring to be here.
No babysitting today. Just me, the cats, and whatever housework I decide to work on. A very nice cozy stay-in day.
Except that I'm on duty at my gym tonight 6:30 -8:00 p.m. I really need a workout, too. But if they close due to the weather, I'll work out at home.
Happy Friday 13th! Best of luck to everyone! ☻
It's snowing like crazy. I hope it will be our last of the season. It looks like it's going to be a big one, too. I just hope it melts off quickly. I was so ready for spring to be here.
No babysitting today. Just me, the cats, and whatever housework I decide to work on. A very nice cozy stay-in day.
Except that I'm on duty at my gym tonight 6:30 -8:00 p.m. I really need a workout, too. But if they close due to the weather, I'll work out at home.
Happy Friday 13th! Best of luck to everyone! ☻
Thursday, February 12, 2009
800 calories :(
I ate too much. 800 calories. I only worked off 300 today. Maybe I'll try to get in an extra workout tomorrow?
I dread the scale in the a.m.
I dread the scale in the a.m.
My day...keep going
I finished at the gym. 300 calories of moderate-level cardio. This is my light day, because I worked really hard yesterday.
What's left today:
drink 2 more bottles of water
change the litter boxes
shower
giving brother and hubby haircuts
get beautified for the evening
take hubby out for his b-day celebration
Don't eat too much tonight!!!!!!!
Only 1 & 1/2 more day until the Spring Break Challenge begins!!! Yippee!
What's left today:
drink 2 more bottles of water
change the litter boxes
shower
giving brother and hubby haircuts
get beautified for the evening
take hubby out for his b-day celebration
Don't eat too much tonight!!!!!!!
Only 1 & 1/2 more day until the Spring Break Challenge begins!!! Yippee!
142.8
I needed to be at 143.0 today, and I was down from that by .2 ! Yay!
I feel both thin and fat at the same time. Thin, because I've lost 14.5% of my body weight in 2 1/2 months, and it's starting to show; and fat, because I have at a minimum 43 lbs. to lose yet. By the time I'm done, I will have lost about 41% of my body weight, and possibly more. It's embarrassing. I can't believe I let myself get so disgusting.
Well, at least I've learned something--how horrible it is to be a moo-cow; and I'm done with being unfaithful to the love of my life...being tiny. Too bad we can't be together on Valentine's Day. But I'm not good enough yet.
And everywhere I go, I feel like people are looking at me and thinking how fat I am, how fat I was, or criticizing me for losing again, like, "OMG, she's gonna do it again". I have this thing in my head, like they hate me when I'm fat, and they hate me when I'm thin.
But it doesn't matter what they think. It only matters how I feel about it. That's why I've got to do this...it's for me, and no one else. I've got to allow myself to be happy, and this is the only way.
I feel both thin and fat at the same time. Thin, because I've lost 14.5% of my body weight in 2 1/2 months, and it's starting to show; and fat, because I have at a minimum 43 lbs. to lose yet. By the time I'm done, I will have lost about 41% of my body weight, and possibly more. It's embarrassing. I can't believe I let myself get so disgusting.
Well, at least I've learned something--how horrible it is to be a moo-cow; and I'm done with being unfaithful to the love of my life...being tiny. Too bad we can't be together on Valentine's Day. But I'm not good enough yet.
And everywhere I go, I feel like people are looking at me and thinking how fat I am, how fat I was, or criticizing me for losing again, like, "OMG, she's gonna do it again". I have this thing in my head, like they hate me when I'm fat, and they hate me when I'm thin.
But it doesn't matter what they think. It only matters how I feel about it. That's why I've got to do this...it's for me, and no one else. I've got to allow myself to be happy, and this is the only way.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
awesome day
I ate 635 calories. I drank more than my gallon of water. I ran 5 miles. I did my stretches.
I'm pretty happy with today. We'll see what the scale does for me in the a.m.
I'm pretty happy with today. We'll see what the scale does for me in the a.m.
better time
I just finished my workout. I made the 5-mile run in 63+ minutes. This was my second time for the 5-mile distance. The first time I made it in 66+ minutes. So I've cut at least 2 minutes off my time. I don't know the seconds.
My face was pretty red after both times. I think that means I'm getting too hot? Dunno. I'll have to look it up.
Tomorrow will have to be a lighter day...so some regular cardio, weights, and as always, the stretching. I want to be long and lean. (Well, as long as 5'2" can be, anyhow.)
My face was pretty red after both times. I think that means I'm getting too hot? Dunno. I'll have to look it up.
Tomorrow will have to be a lighter day...so some regular cardio, weights, and as always, the stretching. I want to be long and lean. (Well, as long as 5'2" can be, anyhow.)
The Challenge
My Valentines goal was 139 lbs.
Here's the thing...I'm wondering if I actually believed in myself that I could make it. I've gotten a lot closer than I expected, which makes me think these goals of mine are more reality-based than arbitrary. Mental shift happening here... I'm seeing my goal weights as a reality, and not merely as a wish.
Sooooo...
I'm gonna get on board with my own goals. I want to be at: no more than 100 lbs. by my race date (06/06/09); and 93 lbs. before July 4th. I figured out how many lbs. I've got to lose per day (.4) to reach my race day goal. I've gone through and updated my goal dates to reflect the new numbers.
I'm joining the Spring Break '09 Challenge: 131 lbs. by March 14th, and run a total of 50 miles from 2/14 to 3/14.
Here's the thing...I'm wondering if I actually believed in myself that I could make it. I've gotten a lot closer than I expected, which makes me think these goals of mine are more reality-based than arbitrary. Mental shift happening here... I'm seeing my goal weights as a reality, and not merely as a wish.
Sooooo...
I'm gonna get on board with my own goals. I want to be at: no more than 100 lbs. by my race date (06/06/09); and 93 lbs. before July 4th. I figured out how many lbs. I've got to lose per day (.4) to reach my race day goal. I've gone through and updated my goal dates to reflect the new numbers.
I'm joining the Spring Break '09 Challenge: 131 lbs. by March 14th, and run a total of 50 miles from 2/14 to 3/14.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
new toy
I just finished reading the instructions to my new heart rate monitor that I bought today.
I've burned 2 calories so far, lol!
This is going to be fun to play with as I workout. More numbers for me!!! Yay!
I've burned 2 calories so far, lol!
This is going to be fun to play with as I workout. More numbers for me!!! Yay!
143.4, Tuesday 10th
The scale was kind today. I'm down, yet again.
Here's today: I'll be too busy to worry about food. I'm waiting for my friend to pick me up. We're shopping out of town today, then home by 3:00 p.m., I'll go to gym and bust my butt for a couple of hours, then back home, shower, go to band practice, then home tonight about 9:00 p.m.--and, finally--something to eat, then bed.
Here's today: I'll be too busy to worry about food. I'm waiting for my friend to pick me up. We're shopping out of town today, then home by 3:00 p.m., I'll go to gym and bust my butt for a couple of hours, then back home, shower, go to band practice, then home tonight about 9:00 p.m.--and, finally--something to eat, then bed.
Monday, February 9, 2009
final tally 2/9
Hard workout, finished my gallon of water, ate 700 calories at 8:15 p.m.
I could have had less calories, but we ate Subway; and I actually threw caution to the wind, by ordering, eating, then checking the calories afterward. But I obtained a take-out nutrition menu, so that in the future, I can plan my choices. Also, there is the website. I was too lazy to check prior.
My weight post-workout was 145.2 lbs. down .2 from this morning.
I could have had less calories, but we ate Subway; and I actually threw caution to the wind, by ordering, eating, then checking the calories afterward. But I obtained a take-out nutrition menu, so that in the future, I can plan my choices. Also, there is the website. I was too lazy to check prior.
My weight post-workout was 145.2 lbs. down .2 from this morning.
5 miles
I ran 5 miles today. I finally have made it up to my race distance. I did have to stop briefly for walks, but my overall time for the 5 miles was 66 minutes. Not so shabby, considering I'm only in week 3 of training, and haven't been running for months prior.
And, at my 93 lbs. setting for the cardio count, it said I burned 400 calories. I'm stuck on 93 lbs. and the number 25. All my reps in toning have to be sets of 25. What is it with numbers and ED's?
And why am I always freezing, cold, when I finish working out?!???!!!! I've gotta go sit in the hot bubble bath for a while, and recover.
I'll be back on soon to read every one's posting.
And, at my 93 lbs. setting for the cardio count, it said I burned 400 calories. I'm stuck on 93 lbs. and the number 25. All my reps in toning have to be sets of 25. What is it with numbers and ED's?
And why am I always freezing, cold, when I finish working out?!???!!!! I've gotta go sit in the hot bubble bath for a while, and recover.
I'll be back on soon to read every one's posting.
New week
After posting last night, I ended up having a PB&J, with a little pop-corn. I was really hungry, so I compromised, because I figured giving in a little last night would be closer to staying on the fast-5, than struggling through today and ending up ruining another day altogether.
I got on the scale today, and just as I suspected, I'm up a bit. Pre-BM it was 145.4 lbs.
I'm drinking my gallon of water, and at least I'm sticking with my plan today.
I discovered another very helpful website. I'm posting the link here, and also in my list of favorites. Hope you all can benefit from it! http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php
It will tell you whether your calories per day and activity level will get you to your goal weight by your goal date.
I may be having a day out shopping with my friend tomorrow. I've already told her I'm doing the fast-5, so I'll enjoy a diet soda while she has her lunch. She's OK with that. Her thing: as long as I let her eat, she won't care if I don't! Ha! Gotta luv yer friends, right?!
I want to buy a heart-rate monitor for my workouts. I think I weenie out too much when I'm exercising, so maybe that might help me push a little more.
I got on the scale today, and just as I suspected, I'm up a bit. Pre-BM it was 145.4 lbs.
I'm drinking my gallon of water, and at least I'm sticking with my plan today.
I discovered another very helpful website. I'm posting the link here, and also in my list of favorites. Hope you all can benefit from it! http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php
It will tell you whether your calories per day and activity level will get you to your goal weight by your goal date.
I may be having a day out shopping with my friend tomorrow. I've already told her I'm doing the fast-5, so I'll enjoy a diet soda while she has her lunch. She's OK with that. Her thing: as long as I let her eat, she won't care if I don't! Ha! Gotta luv yer friends, right?!
I want to buy a heart-rate monitor for my workouts. I think I weenie out too much when I'm exercising, so maybe that might help me push a little more.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sunday lunch
We had communion at church this morning, so I had to swallow 1/2 Tbs. grape juice, and a thumbnail sized piece of white-bread thingy, which kind of bothered me. I thought it was strange, that I felt out-of-control over something so tiny. I sat there wondering how much it would move my blood sugar. I bet there were more calories in my coffee today than in the communion. However, I never drink full-sugar juices. I wish they offered diet grape juice. I'm going mental.
I decided to do lunch at the oriental restaurant with my family, instead of doing my eating late in the day today.
I had 1 deep fried spring roll
1 c of crispy fried pieces of won ton wrap things dipped in egg drop soup (like chips w/dip)
1 fortune cookie
Probably a load of calories, and I'm stuffed; however, I'm feeling happy, because the quantity of food was fairly small. And I'm done eating for the day! Yippee!
If any of you are grossed out by seeing my willingness to eat a high-fat food selection, let me explain:
It has...
1. Lower Glycemic load--it has a better result on your blood sugar, therefore better fat burning in the long run. A higher spike takes longer to return to ketosis, which equals less fat saying goodbye.
2. Higher satiety level--I can eat much less quantity of food for the same calories--always comes in handy to have a tiny stomach and get full quickly! (and to stay feeling full for a long time after a meal, as fatty food does to you.)
3. No cravings, because I don't eliminate any type of food. If you have the tendency, the binges are much more controlled, and remain within 'normal' eating limits. The frenzy-levels and fervency to eat 'naughty' food never builds up in intensity, because there is no off-limit food. You basically become free to eat tiny portions of something that you really want, and free from eating undesired foods.
4. Less danger of family problems. My family is completely oblivious to my weight loss issues this way. Who can suspect me dieting, when I eat junk food in front of them?!??!!! lol The secret is in the timing. Eat in front of people!
5. Lower depression levels, which are mostly not an issue if you are free to eat stuff. I don't know why, but depression and food restricting go hand-in-hand.
6. It has never failed me. I've lost much weight this way
7. Freedom. I can always eat healthier, anytime, anywhere. I do that sometimes, too. Especially once my weight is down, because I want to give nutrients to my body. But for now, getting through the weight loss phase is the priority. Whatever it takes. Just give me a vitamin pill in the meantime.
I decided to do lunch at the oriental restaurant with my family, instead of doing my eating late in the day today.
I had 1 deep fried spring roll
1 c of crispy fried pieces of won ton wrap things dipped in egg drop soup (like chips w/dip)
1 fortune cookie
Probably a load of calories, and I'm stuffed; however, I'm feeling happy, because the quantity of food was fairly small. And I'm done eating for the day! Yippee!
If any of you are grossed out by seeing my willingness to eat a high-fat food selection, let me explain:
It has...
1. Lower Glycemic load--it has a better result on your blood sugar, therefore better fat burning in the long run. A higher spike takes longer to return to ketosis, which equals less fat saying goodbye.
2. Higher satiety level--I can eat much less quantity of food for the same calories--always comes in handy to have a tiny stomach and get full quickly! (and to stay feeling full for a long time after a meal, as fatty food does to you.)
3. No cravings, because I don't eliminate any type of food. If you have the tendency, the binges are much more controlled, and remain within 'normal' eating limits. The frenzy-levels and fervency to eat 'naughty' food never builds up in intensity, because there is no off-limit food. You basically become free to eat tiny portions of something that you really want, and free from eating undesired foods.
4. Less danger of family problems. My family is completely oblivious to my weight loss issues this way. Who can suspect me dieting, when I eat junk food in front of them?!??!!! lol The secret is in the timing. Eat in front of people!
5. Lower depression levels, which are mostly not an issue if you are free to eat stuff. I don't know why, but depression and food restricting go hand-in-hand.
6. It has never failed me. I've lost much weight this way
7. Freedom. I can always eat healthier, anytime, anywhere. I do that sometimes, too. Especially once my weight is down, because I want to give nutrients to my body. But for now, getting through the weight loss phase is the priority. Whatever it takes. Just give me a vitamin pill in the meantime.
Sunday
Getting past yesterday's failure...I took 3 colon cleansing pills last night. I can feel their effects in my gut, but no action yet. I was hoping it would be early, so that I could weigh today, and not hate myself. I'm not giving up on that plan quite yet.
I've got to get ready for church services. I should look slimmer, because I'm wearing a smaller size jeans this morning and my top is really loose on me, compared to a couple months back. I'm not looking for compliments though. I'm covering it all up with a woolen hooded sweater. We are overcast this morning, and supposed to get rain, I think, so dressing warm is still acceptable.
I probably would have just worn the old jeans, trying to hide my weight loss more, but I'm not on the platform today. I get the day off. I usually participate in the music from the platform, either singing or drumming. I was scheduled to play the electric guitar this morning, but I didn't want to go through all the hassle--they've moved the platform all around, and it would mean relocating my amp, and trying to find a place where I don't make the piano player mad by being too loud in close proximity to her. Our platform is so tiny. I honestly don't know how they fit us all up there!
Anyway...time to go get cleaned up and beautiful...HA!
Have a nice day, everyone!
I've got to get ready for church services. I should look slimmer, because I'm wearing a smaller size jeans this morning and my top is really loose on me, compared to a couple months back. I'm not looking for compliments though. I'm covering it all up with a woolen hooded sweater. We are overcast this morning, and supposed to get rain, I think, so dressing warm is still acceptable.
I probably would have just worn the old jeans, trying to hide my weight loss more, but I'm not on the platform today. I get the day off. I usually participate in the music from the platform, either singing or drumming. I was scheduled to play the electric guitar this morning, but I didn't want to go through all the hassle--they've moved the platform all around, and it would mean relocating my amp, and trying to find a place where I don't make the piano player mad by being too loud in close proximity to her. Our platform is so tiny. I honestly don't know how they fit us all up there!
Anyway...time to go get cleaned up and beautiful...HA!
Have a nice day, everyone!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
'F' for the day
I did the pop corn, and 2 mini kit-kats. Then another slice of cheese and a 1/2 serving of all-bran crackers. The total of this second binge is 600 calories.
I'm right at 1600 cals. to 1700 cals. for the day.
I suck. I hate that I did this, because my weight was so down this a.m.! At least with the nuts and popcorn and all-bran crackers today it should go through me quickly.
I really need to pull myself together and get back on for tomorrow. Sundays can be difficult though, because I'll have to avoid eating Sunday lunch with my hubby, and that makes me feel like a bad wife.
I wonder how many calories my body 'used' to exist today? I hope I at least broke even.
I'm sure I'll probably be disappointed with the scale in the a.m.. I hate the morning after.
I'm right at 1600 cals. to 1700 cals. for the day.
I suck. I hate that I did this, because my weight was so down this a.m.! At least with the nuts and popcorn and all-bran crackers today it should go through me quickly.
I really need to pull myself together and get back on for tomorrow. Sundays can be difficult though, because I'll have to avoid eating Sunday lunch with my hubby, and that makes me feel like a bad wife.
I wonder how many calories my body 'used' to exist today? I hope I at least broke even.
I'm sure I'll probably be disappointed with the scale in the a.m.. I hate the morning after.
post-binge 144.4
That food I ate had to weigh at least 8 oz. I weighed myself 2 hours after eating...totally weird. Where'd it go? I haven't purged any of it, and only half of it is in there.
Dang.
I'm soooo tired. It's my monthly time. My body is fighting a sinus infection. I was brave and went for a run today, in spite of it all. My weight was down...
And I ate food, way too early in the day. Sort of a binge. I'm somewhere between 1050 and 1100 calories for the day. I ate 3 oz. nuts, just barely over 1 oz. of habanero cheese, a serving of all-bran crackers, and (gasp!) a corn dog, followed by 5 dark chocolate kisses. But I felt like I needed it. I'm going to put it behind me, and move on with life.
I'm done, or at least I am going to try. My next planned meal will be tomorrow night at 6:00. Hopefully nothing but a coffee or two in the morning, and diet sodas, waters, etc. in between now and then.
I'm gonna go have a nap for now. The hard part of today will be from about 8:00 p.m. until I go to bed for the night. Hubby will have his supper, and hopefully we'll get to watch some TV together. If worse comes to worse, I'll do up a batch of pop corn yet tonight. That will put me at 1700ish for the day. I probably only burned 200 on my run. This is definitely a fat-day. bleh.
And I ate food, way too early in the day. Sort of a binge. I'm somewhere between 1050 and 1100 calories for the day. I ate 3 oz. nuts, just barely over 1 oz. of habanero cheese, a serving of all-bran crackers, and (gasp!) a corn dog, followed by 5 dark chocolate kisses. But I felt like I needed it. I'm going to put it behind me, and move on with life.
I'm done, or at least I am going to try. My next planned meal will be tomorrow night at 6:00. Hopefully nothing but a coffee or two in the morning, and diet sodas, waters, etc. in between now and then.
I'm gonna go have a nap for now. The hard part of today will be from about 8:00 p.m. until I go to bed for the night. Hubby will have his supper, and hopefully we'll get to watch some TV together. If worse comes to worse, I'll do up a batch of pop corn yet tonight. That will put me at 1700ish for the day. I probably only burned 200 on my run. This is definitely a fat-day. bleh.
144.0???
I just got on the scale again today, just 6 hours after this a.m.'s early weigh-in. Since that time, I've drank a large 25cal. caffeine-FREE coffee, and a 32 oz. bottle of crystal light oj, and a BM.
It says I've lost another lb. ??? So I checked again. Same answer.
Ok, so I'm 5 lbs. away from my Valentines Day goal, and I wonder...maybe I can still make it?
It says I've lost another lb. ??? So I checked again. Same answer.
Ok, so I'm 5 lbs. away from my Valentines Day goal, and I wonder...maybe I can still make it?
145.0 !!!! Big Happy!
Yay! I'm down again! I'm really wanting to break into the 130's. I can't get there fast enough!
It's Saturday. My hubby gets off work in a couple hours from a graveyard shift, and then he'll be sleeping a while, before going to have a Diablo party at my parent's house with 3 other people. So I'm on my own, all day.
Things I'd like to accomplish today:
finish up the laundry;
balance the ck-book (which still isn't done);
go for a run outdoors, in which will likely be our last nice day for a week or 2 at least based on the extended forecast;
possibly sleep some more, as I only got like 5 hours last night, because I don't know why;
do some stretches
Depending on how much money we have, maybe do Subway for dinner tonight when hubby gets home from Diablo game
It should be a nice day. I seem to be feeling somewhat better from this infection in my sinus, too.
It's Saturday. My hubby gets off work in a couple hours from a graveyard shift, and then he'll be sleeping a while, before going to have a Diablo party at my parent's house with 3 other people. So I'm on my own, all day.
Things I'd like to accomplish today:
finish up the laundry;
balance the ck-book (which still isn't done);
go for a run outdoors, in which will likely be our last nice day for a week or 2 at least based on the extended forecast;
possibly sleep some more, as I only got like 5 hours last night, because I don't know why;
do some stretches
Depending on how much money we have, maybe do Subway for dinner tonight when hubby gets home from Diablo game
It should be a nice day. I seem to be feeling somewhat better from this infection in my sinus, too.
Friday, February 6, 2009
status today
I'm still at 146 lbs. at 8:30 p.m.
I've drank 16 oz. caffeine-free coffee, and 1 gallon of water (sugar-free flavor packets added) in increments of 4 / 32oz. bottles.
I walked 5 miles on the treadmill during my volunteer hours at the gym.
I took a soak in the hot bath water (my version of a hot-tub, lol) because I read that it burns extra calories due to the rise in body temperature. You can click on the link on the left of my blog column, to read it for yourself. I've switched from showers to hot baths for the most part as a result.
My stomach finally growled today at 7:30 p.m., while I was on the treadmill. I haven't even missed eating, since starting fast-5. What's it been...2 weeks almost now? I'm on it for life. Don't wanna fight the food battles and weight issues ever again.
I'm having a diet Pepsi, with my feet up, and I'm pooped!!! Completely worn out! I can tell my body is fighting an infection. I just can't get energized.
I'm debating on doing that pop-corn, or if I wanna skip it altogether, since I'm not hungry. Logic tells me I need to eat, so I can go running tomorrow.
I've got to keep up with the training for my race. I just found out some of the people running in it, and they are in very good shape. I must confess, I had some fears arising today about how crazy I am for trying to do this. What business do I have of trying to measure up to people like them? What if I'm the last one to finish? Or the fattest one to enter the race? What if I can't finish at all? They'll all be standing at the finish line waiting for the fat girl to drag her huge butt across. What if they send a photo crew out there again like last year, who will insist on embarrassing me to death with a printed photo in the newspaper? AAAACCCCCKKKKKK!
I don't have a choice, though, do I? I have to prove to myself that I can do this. I've got to! I just don't think I can live with myself if I don't accomplish this. Or at least give it my all-time best effort. Giving up is way too easy. And I always hate myself for it afterwards.
Here's wishing you all that you feel good about yourselves today. Do what you have to do to get there!
I've drank 16 oz. caffeine-free coffee, and 1 gallon of water (sugar-free flavor packets added) in increments of 4 / 32oz. bottles.
I walked 5 miles on the treadmill during my volunteer hours at the gym.
I took a soak in the hot bath water (my version of a hot-tub, lol) because I read that it burns extra calories due to the rise in body temperature. You can click on the link on the left of my blog column, to read it for yourself. I've switched from showers to hot baths for the most part as a result.
My stomach finally growled today at 7:30 p.m., while I was on the treadmill. I haven't even missed eating, since starting fast-5. What's it been...2 weeks almost now? I'm on it for life. Don't wanna fight the food battles and weight issues ever again.
I'm having a diet Pepsi, with my feet up, and I'm pooped!!! Completely worn out! I can tell my body is fighting an infection. I just can't get energized.
I'm debating on doing that pop-corn, or if I wanna skip it altogether, since I'm not hungry. Logic tells me I need to eat, so I can go running tomorrow.
I've got to keep up with the training for my race. I just found out some of the people running in it, and they are in very good shape. I must confess, I had some fears arising today about how crazy I am for trying to do this. What business do I have of trying to measure up to people like them? What if I'm the last one to finish? Or the fattest one to enter the race? What if I can't finish at all? They'll all be standing at the finish line waiting for the fat girl to drag her huge butt across. What if they send a photo crew out there again like last year, who will insist on embarrassing me to death with a printed photo in the newspaper? AAAACCCCCKKKKKK!
I don't have a choice, though, do I? I have to prove to myself that I can do this. I've got to! I just don't think I can live with myself if I don't accomplish this. Or at least give it my all-time best effort. Giving up is way too easy. And I always hate myself for it afterwards.
Here's wishing you all that you feel good about yourselves today. Do what you have to do to get there!
still 146 lbs.
I went through some old clothes this morning, trying stuff on, etc. I happy to say that I'm fitting back into some of my old 'fat' clothes. lol! My upper half is anyway. My bottom half still looks like a big bubble. I have one of those butts that is always perky and round; when I'm fat, it sticks out a mile. Totally embarrassing!
I went for that run with my brother yesterday. I ran fairly hard against the wind for 1 & 1/2 mile. I was spent after that, so I had to power walk on the return trip. We made the same time as Saturday's run, so I know I work hard; however, I can't help feeling disappointed for having to walk the 2nd half, rather than running the whole way.
I've finally figured out that I have a sinus infection...and have had all this week, which has probably been part of my being so tired.
Supper tonight is going to be big bowl of pop corn, diet Pepsi, at 9:00 p.m.. Not the best choice, I know. Especially since we bought our oil from the theater. It's all I'm having today, other than the 25 calories from my coffee, (thanks to fast-5) so I'm not going to hate myself over it.
I'm on gym duty tonight for 3 hours, so hopefully a long, productive workout tonight!
I have decided to keep the babysitting job. It is a little extra money, after all, and I'm doing ok with the schedule. It lasts until mid-March, so only about 6 more weeks to go.
I went for that run with my brother yesterday. I ran fairly hard against the wind for 1 & 1/2 mile. I was spent after that, so I had to power walk on the return trip. We made the same time as Saturday's run, so I know I work hard; however, I can't help feeling disappointed for having to walk the 2nd half, rather than running the whole way.
I've finally figured out that I have a sinus infection...and have had all this week, which has probably been part of my being so tired.
Supper tonight is going to be big bowl of pop corn, diet Pepsi, at 9:00 p.m.. Not the best choice, I know. Especially since we bought our oil from the theater. It's all I'm having today, other than the 25 calories from my coffee, (thanks to fast-5) so I'm not going to hate myself over it.
I'm on gym duty tonight for 3 hours, so hopefully a long, productive workout tonight!
I have decided to keep the babysitting job. It is a little extra money, after all, and I'm doing ok with the schedule. It lasts until mid-March, so only about 6 more weeks to go.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Beautiful weather!
I'm going out for a run with my brother in a few minutes. I'm waiting for him to call me--he had an errand to do first.
I'm attempting to make boneless/skinless buffalo wings from chicken-breast-meat for tonight. I hope they turn out. I've never made them before. It is part of my plan to cook for hubby and I, rather than eating whatever junk is laying around. It makes it so much easier to eat lower calorie foods!!!
I'm super tired today...procrastinated on going to bed last night. I stayed up to watch "Sharing the Secret". I bet it was 2:00 a.m. before I crawled into bed. Then up at 5:00 a.m., sleeping some more at 6:00, up again at 9:00. Bad habit to start.
I'm still trying to figure out if I should keep the babysitting job. I'll be tomorrow, then after that...?
I plan on catching up on reading blogs sometime between today and tomorrow. There are so many of you I want to follow. I do this thing, where I have to start at the very first blog, and read them all to date. Then I feel like I know you better.
I hope you're all having a wonderful day today! Take care!
I'm attempting to make boneless/skinless buffalo wings from chicken-breast-meat for tonight. I hope they turn out. I've never made them before. It is part of my plan to cook for hubby and I, rather than eating whatever junk is laying around. It makes it so much easier to eat lower calorie foods!!!
I'm super tired today...procrastinated on going to bed last night. I stayed up to watch "Sharing the Secret". I bet it was 2:00 a.m. before I crawled into bed. Then up at 5:00 a.m., sleeping some more at 6:00, up again at 9:00. Bad habit to start.
I'm still trying to figure out if I should keep the babysitting job. I'll be tomorrow, then after that...?
I plan on catching up on reading blogs sometime between today and tomorrow. There are so many of you I want to follow. I do this thing, where I have to start at the very first blog, and read them all to date. Then I feel like I know you better.
I hope you're all having a wonderful day today! Take care!
146.0
My weight...I guess it's mostly down. But a couple days ago, the scale did tell me 145.8 lbs. I was dehydrated then. I also am expecting my monthly at any time now.
I've got to lose 7 lbs. in 9 days to make my goal. I honestly don't know how on earth I can do all that. A water fast, but that isn't even practical for me to try, and the weight wouldn't be honest-fat-loss. I would rather know that what I accomplished is permanent, rather than going to bounce right back as soon as I take a bite.
Also, I'm experiencing some muscle gain, since my workouts have changed up quite a bit in the last week or two. I was sore for 2 or 3 days after my run (mild tenderness), but that always means that your body is repairing muscle tissue...which means an increase.
A lady commented last week that I look like I've lost some weight, and a friend told me last night that my face looks thinner. Dang. I don't want anyone to see me. Why can't I be invisible? I've been wearing all my old, baggy clothes, trying to stay the same to everyone. Which I know is impossible...as I'm trying to lose almost 75 lbs. before I'm done, but I can't have people bothering me about it. They sure as heck didn't bother me when I was putting the weight on; and they better not get in my business about it now.
I've got to lose 7 lbs. in 9 days to make my goal. I honestly don't know how on earth I can do all that. A water fast, but that isn't even practical for me to try, and the weight wouldn't be honest-fat-loss. I would rather know that what I accomplished is permanent, rather than going to bounce right back as soon as I take a bite.
Also, I'm experiencing some muscle gain, since my workouts have changed up quite a bit in the last week or two. I was sore for 2 or 3 days after my run (mild tenderness), but that always means that your body is repairing muscle tissue...which means an increase.
A lady commented last week that I look like I've lost some weight, and a friend told me last night that my face looks thinner. Dang. I don't want anyone to see me. Why can't I be invisible? I've been wearing all my old, baggy clothes, trying to stay the same to everyone. Which I know is impossible...as I'm trying to lose almost 75 lbs. before I'm done, but I can't have people bothering me about it. They sure as heck didn't bother me when I was putting the weight on; and they better not get in my business about it now.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Rock'n day
I put in a short-but-sweet killer-level workout today. It was only 23 minutes, but it was intense cardio, all the way. I walked out feeling loose, light, and fully oxygenated! Now to finish up the day with my 1000 reps of toning + my stretch routine, and I'm good.
It's chef salad tonight for my food, at 8:30 p.m.. I've drank my gallon of water already, so I'll allow myself to have diet coke the rest of today.
I went to the grocery store today, and came home with lettuce, veggies, fruits, etc., so I can do healthy food when I eat. To tell the truth, the junky-crap I had been eating was no longer appetizing. Yesterday, when I was forcing junk food down my gut, I didn't even want it. I guess that's the beauty of fast-5ing. Eventually, you lose your taste for nasty food.
I did well on the porcelein throne today, too...so I should be ok to weigh in the morning...lol.
It's chef salad tonight for my food, at 8:30 p.m.. I've drank my gallon of water already, so I'll allow myself to have diet coke the rest of today.
I went to the grocery store today, and came home with lettuce, veggies, fruits, etc., so I can do healthy food when I eat. To tell the truth, the junky-crap I had been eating was no longer appetizing. Yesterday, when I was forcing junk food down my gut, I didn't even want it. I guess that's the beauty of fast-5ing. Eventually, you lose your taste for nasty food.
I did well on the porcelein throne today, too...so I should be ok to weigh in the morning...lol.
Stuff to do!!!!!
I'm back into my regular routine today. I need to drink as much fluids as possible today. I can tell I've been dehydrating myself. I'm also feeling much more positive, and better about myself in general.
No scale today. Not after an eating day. Can't do it. I'm worried that I won't make my Valentine's Day goal. Some things have seriously got to change, and fast--if I'm gonna have a fighting chance to make it. I should probably eat nothing but lettuce for the next 10 days. I can't see that actually happening, though.
I'm re-evaluating the babysitting job. Is it helping enough financially to warrant the hassle and time-investment? I wonder if my weight loss efforts are being hampered by it, too. Stuff to think about. I have to keep my priorities true. I know what matters to me most, and if I try to live by a different standard, it saps my strength away. I'm wondering if that's what happened the other day.
It's time to get my taxes and stuff taken care of, too. I hate, hate, hate that job!!! My goal is not to procrastinate on it this year. We can use our refund to pay off some medical expenses. I haven't blogged about it much--but we are still paying off the bills from a couple years ago when I got admitted into the psychiatric ward. I had quit eating, was severely dehydrated, addicted to lax, and suicidal. I only stayed a week, but it was thousands of dollars! With the refund, we might be able to finally put that behind us.
I need to decide what food I'm willing to take in tonight. *sigh*
I also need to put in a mega-week worth of workouts, as I haven't been for 2 days to the gym.
I need to make up a daily schedule to live by...and stay on track this time, hahaha!
I need to do my checkbook balancing...blech.
I really want to get into the habit of cooking 1 nutritious meal every day for hubby and myself...and save money in the process!!!
I need my daily fix...of cleaning!!! lol
No scale today. Not after an eating day. Can't do it. I'm worried that I won't make my Valentine's Day goal. Some things have seriously got to change, and fast--if I'm gonna have a fighting chance to make it. I should probably eat nothing but lettuce for the next 10 days. I can't see that actually happening, though.
I'm re-evaluating the babysitting job. Is it helping enough financially to warrant the hassle and time-investment? I wonder if my weight loss efforts are being hampered by it, too. Stuff to think about. I have to keep my priorities true. I know what matters to me most, and if I try to live by a different standard, it saps my strength away. I'm wondering if that's what happened the other day.
It's time to get my taxes and stuff taken care of, too. I hate, hate, hate that job!!! My goal is not to procrastinate on it this year. We can use our refund to pay off some medical expenses. I haven't blogged about it much--but we are still paying off the bills from a couple years ago when I got admitted into the psychiatric ward. I had quit eating, was severely dehydrated, addicted to lax, and suicidal. I only stayed a week, but it was thousands of dollars! With the refund, we might be able to finally put that behind us.
I need to decide what food I'm willing to take in tonight. *sigh*
I also need to put in a mega-week worth of workouts, as I haven't been for 2 days to the gym.
I need to make up a daily schedule to live by...and stay on track this time, hahaha!
I need to do my checkbook balancing...blech.
I really want to get into the habit of cooking 1 nutritious meal every day for hubby and myself...and save money in the process!!!
I need my daily fix...of cleaning!!! lol
Starting over
First of all, I want to thank those of you who took the time to comment to me...it really helped to know that someone cared.
It is really late now, so I'm heading off to bed.
Tomorrow is: babysitting, a bit of housecleaning, a meeting, and I'm praying that I make it to the gym for a workout. It's always hard to get going when you've let yourself down.
I'm not going to eat anything until after the meeting, which would be 8:30 in the evening. As of right now, I'm officially back on my fast-5, after a day of blah.
It is really late now, so I'm heading off to bed.
Tomorrow is: babysitting, a bit of housecleaning, a meeting, and I'm praying that I make it to the gym for a workout. It's always hard to get going when you've let yourself down.
I'm not going to eat anything until after the meeting, which would be 8:30 in the evening. As of right now, I'm officially back on my fast-5, after a day of blah.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
depressed today.
For whatever reason, I have days where I just don't try very hard. Yesterday was ok, until 5:00, when I 'gave in' earlier than I wanted to for eating something, and it went downhill from there. I thought I would pull together for today and just start over, but I haven't yet.
I didn't follow the fast-5 thing at all today. My house is a mess. And part of me doesn't want to deal with cleaning--or anything. I slept most of the whole day.
I'm feeling discouraged and lonely. I feel like a failure.
I'm hoping I can pull together and get my house cleaned up and etc.
I'm disappointed in myself. Why can't I get obsessive-compulsive about cleaning and things that matter to me, so that I can live up to something that would make me happy?
Sorry...I don't mean to be negative. I'm just feeling sad because another day passed me by, and I didn't live in it.
I didn't follow the fast-5 thing at all today. My house is a mess. And part of me doesn't want to deal with cleaning--or anything. I slept most of the whole day.
I'm feeling discouraged and lonely. I feel like a failure.
I'm hoping I can pull together and get my house cleaned up and etc.
I'm disappointed in myself. Why can't I get obsessive-compulsive about cleaning and things that matter to me, so that I can live up to something that would make me happy?
Sorry...I don't mean to be negative. I'm just feeling sad because another day passed me by, and I didn't live in it.
Monday, February 2, 2009
too many to count
I ate way too much today. I was tired, and I was weak. I was nibbling from 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m., legal for my diet plan, but I didn't quite stop at full--I kind of snacked a bit more.
I need some sleep.
I'm ready to try again even harder tomorrow.
I need some sleep.
I'm ready to try again even harder tomorrow.
Groundhog Day!
Happy Groundhog Day, everyone!!!
I'm going to watch the movie "Groundhog Day" before this day is out, and get inspired to become all that I can be!!!
Oh...and I got on the scale again today, and it went down even more...145.8 !!! I'm re-hydrating...just in case.
I'm going to watch the movie "Groundhog Day" before this day is out, and get inspired to become all that I can be!!!
Oh...and I got on the scale again today, and it went down even more...145.8 !!! I'm re-hydrating...just in case.
diet pills
The diet pills I took for the Super Bowl Party worked really well, but I still had to make a conscientious effort to obey them.
I'm saying that, because I don't believe there are any 'magic pills' out there. Any diet pill requires a least a bit of effort on our part. They are simply a tool to aid us in doing what we know we need to do. They help us to feel full--but we must listen to our senses. The rev up our metabolism, but we must still eat less and exercise more.
I watched an ED episode of Dr. Phil yesterday on YouTube where this girl got addicted to diet pills. (My thinspo idea prior to the party, lol) She truly believed they were 'making her thin'. But she had to take huge dosages to 'get results' after a time--because she didn't change her food habits and lifestyle enough to accommodate weight loss alongside the diet pills. She relied on them to do the work, but they let her down--her body eventually becoming resistant to them. She had lost a substantial amount of weight...but not nearly what she should have, considering all that she was putting her body through with the pills. I was sorry for her. If she had learned to do it properly and allowed the pills to merely assist her, she would have reached her goals, and found happiness, instead of national embarrassment on a TV program.
I'm glad I watched that episode, and hopefully I will avoid the trap of diet pill addiction. I truly enjoyed the effects I had last night from my pills, and I can easily see their addictive qualities!!! But I want them to be an exception rather than the rule. They are expensive, too. I'll use them sparingly, for emergencies. I'm also trying to avoid the compulsion to lax up. An equally futile waste-ful use of time and money. (Bad pun! ha!)
In answer to the question/comment I received--and thanks for reading...I hope my journey helps you in some way--the brand I took last night was called, "LIPO-SHRED". These were red and white pills for day time, and there is a blue and white one for night time, which I forgot to take last night. I probably would have slept better, had I not forgotten part 2 of the system. I bought them at a GNC, and had a sales rep assist me in choosing a brand that was having great results for their customers...(I fell for his sales pitch, lol, and bought these!!!). Luckily for me, they work!
I advise you to be careful. Do your research prior to making a purchase. There is a huge difference, not only in how the product works, it's safety, the quality of the ingredients (how they are processed, where they are obtained, etc.); but also the price of the product. It will usually reflect these differences. But most importantly, your body will too, as in results, or lack of them.
I'm saying that, because I don't believe there are any 'magic pills' out there. Any diet pill requires a least a bit of effort on our part. They are simply a tool to aid us in doing what we know we need to do. They help us to feel full--but we must listen to our senses. The rev up our metabolism, but we must still eat less and exercise more.
I watched an ED episode of Dr. Phil yesterday on YouTube where this girl got addicted to diet pills. (My thinspo idea prior to the party, lol) She truly believed they were 'making her thin'. But she had to take huge dosages to 'get results' after a time--because she didn't change her food habits and lifestyle enough to accommodate weight loss alongside the diet pills. She relied on them to do the work, but they let her down--her body eventually becoming resistant to them. She had lost a substantial amount of weight...but not nearly what she should have, considering all that she was putting her body through with the pills. I was sorry for her. If she had learned to do it properly and allowed the pills to merely assist her, she would have reached her goals, and found happiness, instead of national embarrassment on a TV program.
I'm glad I watched that episode, and hopefully I will avoid the trap of diet pill addiction. I truly enjoyed the effects I had last night from my pills, and I can easily see their addictive qualities!!! But I want them to be an exception rather than the rule. They are expensive, too. I'll use them sparingly, for emergencies. I'm also trying to avoid the compulsion to lax up. An equally futile waste-ful use of time and money. (Bad pun! ha!)
In answer to the question/comment I received--and thanks for reading...I hope my journey helps you in some way--the brand I took last night was called, "LIPO-SHRED". These were red and white pills for day time, and there is a blue and white one for night time, which I forgot to take last night. I probably would have slept better, had I not forgotten part 2 of the system. I bought them at a GNC, and had a sales rep assist me in choosing a brand that was having great results for their customers...(I fell for his sales pitch, lol, and bought these!!!). Luckily for me, they work!
I advise you to be careful. Do your research prior to making a purchase. There is a huge difference, not only in how the product works, it's safety, the quality of the ingredients (how they are processed, where they are obtained, etc.); but also the price of the product. It will usually reflect these differences. But most importantly, your body will too, as in results, or lack of them.
146.4 lbs.
I was supposed to babysit today, but I'm in the process of cancelling. I suppose I'll be upsetting someone over that, but I can't help it. I need a break. I'm exhausted after the weekend. I love to be alone, so I can only stand being with people for short durations. Being around people wears me out!
Yay. I'm down 1 lb. from two days ago. I met my 1/2 lbs. per day goal over the weekend.
Fast-5 seems to be going well. I'm feeling hungry at the moment, but am thinking a hot coffee will help.
I like that this is so black and white. Eat only one time per day, any type of food (not too much), close to bedtime. Sleep it off, and wait for the next evening before eating again. So simple. So temptation free. I only have to face food 1 x per day.
I'm a bit sore from my run on Saturday. I'm looking forward to another week of working out, and seeing the results of my hard work. My next goal weight is only 2 weeks away, and I need to cover 7.4 lbs. in that amount of time. I hope my body cooperates.
It's hard to imagine being in the 130's again. It's been about a year since I was there last. Bad memories, as I was in super-gain mode at the time. It is ironic: A year ago, I was so unhappy to be at that weight...and now, I'll be happy if I can be. Not that it is near good enough...but from where I've come recently...definitely improvement!!!
I wonder if anyone will think differently about me when I'm starting to be small again? I need for them to change how they see me. I'm so tired of people including me in their fat-conversations, as though I'm one of them. I'm not. That's not me. I do not accept their lifestyle. I do not fail at half-hearted diet attempts, and I do not choose to live my life as a fat person. I am not one of them. This weight gain was a tragedy and a grievous loss that occurred in my life, and I do not joke about it. I have nearly lost my life in order to be thin. That also was a huge failure on my part, and one that I do not intend to repeat, ever again. Nor do I ever intend to repeat the failure of fluctuating weight ever again. I'm through with all of it.
I am not going to lose this battle...I am on the final leg of the race, and I am going to win the championship. I will win by regaining my status of 'tiny' in the world, and I will hold on to it for dear life.
Yay. I'm down 1 lb. from two days ago. I met my 1/2 lbs. per day goal over the weekend.
Fast-5 seems to be going well. I'm feeling hungry at the moment, but am thinking a hot coffee will help.
I like that this is so black and white. Eat only one time per day, any type of food (not too much), close to bedtime. Sleep it off, and wait for the next evening before eating again. So simple. So temptation free. I only have to face food 1 x per day.
I'm a bit sore from my run on Saturday. I'm looking forward to another week of working out, and seeing the results of my hard work. My next goal weight is only 2 weeks away, and I need to cover 7.4 lbs. in that amount of time. I hope my body cooperates.
It's hard to imagine being in the 130's again. It's been about a year since I was there last. Bad memories, as I was in super-gain mode at the time. It is ironic: A year ago, I was so unhappy to be at that weight...and now, I'll be happy if I can be. Not that it is near good enough...but from where I've come recently...definitely improvement!!!
I wonder if anyone will think differently about me when I'm starting to be small again? I need for them to change how they see me. I'm so tired of people including me in their fat-conversations, as though I'm one of them. I'm not. That's not me. I do not accept their lifestyle. I do not fail at half-hearted diet attempts, and I do not choose to live my life as a fat person. I am not one of them. This weight gain was a tragedy and a grievous loss that occurred in my life, and I do not joke about it. I have nearly lost my life in order to be thin. That also was a huge failure on my part, and one that I do not intend to repeat, ever again. Nor do I ever intend to repeat the failure of fluctuating weight ever again. I'm through with all of it.
I am not going to lose this battle...I am on the final leg of the race, and I am going to win the championship. I will win by regaining my status of 'tiny' in the world, and I will hold on to it for dear life.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Super Bowl's over
My cheese-dip stuff didn't thicken properly, so I didn't take it to the party at all.
As I was on the way out the door, I took a couple of diet pills. They were just the ticket!!! I wasn't even remotely hungry; and although I ate some (for the purpose of fitting in with everyone), I was totally in control! I'm estimating 700 calories to be safe, but I'm pretty sure it was less. Now, if only the pills aren't too strong, keeping me from sleeping tonight, I'll be set.
There were a couple of super-skinny gals there. Such an inspiration! I came away feeling fat; however, I am compelled to continue until I reach my goals. I realized, too--that I need more skinny friends. I would never have gotten fat, if I had been around that level of competition in my life!
There were some uncomfortable situations that I experienced tonight. I'm a little anxious right now...but that may be the diet pills talking.
I hope you all can end today in a happy mood. If not, there's always tomorrow, and another workout waiting for you, to cheer you up!
As I was on the way out the door, I took a couple of diet pills. They were just the ticket!!! I wasn't even remotely hungry; and although I ate some (for the purpose of fitting in with everyone), I was totally in control! I'm estimating 700 calories to be safe, but I'm pretty sure it was less. Now, if only the pills aren't too strong, keeping me from sleeping tonight, I'll be set.
There were a couple of super-skinny gals there. Such an inspiration! I came away feeling fat; however, I am compelled to continue until I reach my goals. I realized, too--that I need more skinny friends. I would never have gotten fat, if I had been around that level of competition in my life!
There were some uncomfortable situations that I experienced tonight. I'm a little anxious right now...but that may be the diet pills talking.
I hope you all can end today in a happy mood. If not, there's always tomorrow, and another workout waiting for you, to cheer you up!
Super Bowl Sunday
I forgot to weigh in this morning. Dang. Now I can't do it at all today, because I've already had 2 cups of coffee for breakfast, and am now nursing a diet Pepsi for lunch.
3 more hours til the Super Bowl party.
You should see the nasty-fatty food I'm taking tonight. Soooooo gross!!! It is Italian sausage, with melted Velveeta cheese as a dip for tortilla chips. I am, however, trying to de-fat the sausage a bit before adding the cheese.
I'm so lazy. I couldn't be bothered to cut up some veggies to let other people eat healthy tonight. I guess I'm guilty of adding to the world's obesity epidemic. Maybe I'll do penance by forcing myself to exercise off all the calories I'm making other people eat in my cooking. I just hope I don't end up sabotaging my date with the scale tomorrow morning, as well.
Good Luck, to all you Super-Bowl party attendees! More will-power to ya! Stay strong! May the skinny team win!
3 more hours til the Super Bowl party.
You should see the nasty-fatty food I'm taking tonight. Soooooo gross!!! It is Italian sausage, with melted Velveeta cheese as a dip for tortilla chips. I am, however, trying to de-fat the sausage a bit before adding the cheese.
I'm so lazy. I couldn't be bothered to cut up some veggies to let other people eat healthy tonight. I guess I'm guilty of adding to the world's obesity epidemic. Maybe I'll do penance by forcing myself to exercise off all the calories I'm making other people eat in my cooking. I just hope I don't end up sabotaging my date with the scale tomorrow morning, as well.
Good Luck, to all you Super-Bowl party attendees! More will-power to ya! Stay strong! May the skinny team win!
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