Better, at least

I should never attempt a complete fast on the tail of binge-a-thon. At the moment, I am at 395 unaccounted for calories. Not to mention sodium. But it's 1 & 1/2 hours to midnight, and I'm too pooped to get my butt back on the elliptical again.

I'm missing my fast-5. But it's too soon to trust myself to that yet.

But on the whole, at least I'm not binging. And I got lots of cardio done today.

I miss being able to shop for grocery items. We're almost out of fruits and veggies, etc. But never mind that. I'm not going to make excuses. I've still got everything I need to succeed in losing weight all week long; which is: a never-ending supply of water. Back to basics. What else is really necessary besides that?

I've just added several new blogs to my list, so I'll have plenty of reading to catch up on. Many of you are doing SBC. So, I guess you'll all be keeping tabs on my atomic failure from last week. But one good thing has come out of it: I remembered how it was that I got in this position of desperation in the first place.

When I try to figure it all out, I come to the conclusion that recovery has to flow from deeper down than trying to mimic normalcy. Yeah, I could try living normal with food again, (I did, actually--thus my almost 70 lbs. gained in 15-ish months) but inside of me is a food demon, who has to be controlled. For much of my life he has been controlled to some extent. But if I should ease up on my efforts, he destroys me. And anything heavier than 100 lbs. is evil (at least for me), and I wonder how low I can go. Not that I should, but it would be nice to experience just once.

Have I ever felt thin enough? No. But I never will. I know that now, although I may not always act on it, for the sake of survival and my loved ones. But there has to be a fine line between being myself, who I am, and being what I think others need me to be. I can't be fat for the sake of other's happiness. I can't even settle for 'healthy', which is basically just another word for not skinny enough. I know plenty of thin people, who aren't dying. No one freaks out on them; but because my ED was outed (my own fault), I'm constantly watched. So I've just got to be smarter now.

Anyway...
Today wasn't a dismal failure at least. And it still has me pointed in the direction I desire to go, so I'm ok with that. Tomorrow, I'll try to be stronger. Some days go better than others. That's life.

Keep up the great work, SBC-ers! Your stats are awesome so far!