Holding Steady

Got my workout done. Didn't quite go as long on the treadmill as I wanted. I had planned to run all the way to 2.5 miles, but I was only able to make it for 1 mile, then I got back on a couple more times and cranked out another .25 miles each.

I did another .5 miles each of forward and backward on the elliptical, and 5 min. on the stair-stepper. So, all I've got left for the day is my stretching routine.

I am so out of shape!!! Less than 2 years ago, I could run forever it seemed. Now, I'm struggling just to force a teensy mile out of me.

I'll get there. I have to. My 5 mile race is June 6th. I'm running the whole thing, and I'd better not have to stop to walk any part of it, either!

Tomorrow is my long, high-intensity, high-incline endurance walk. Then Saturday, weather permitting, I'm going out for a real run outside with my brother. That will be a 3.5 mile distance with hills involved. I'm going to simply do my best. It will be good training for my race!

I haven't eaten yet today, as the fast-5 requires. My calories are 30 for a giant sugar-free lemonade, and 25 for my coffee this a.m. BTW--I really do love this diet plan. This one is sent from Heaven, just for me. I just hope I'll drop the weight fast enough. I need to average about 3 lbs. per week. Hopefully, I'm doing enough to accomplish that...6 workouts per week, 700 calories or less per day in food, and no cheating!

I haven't been paying too much attention to the scale this week, since I ended the last week in a bad way. I know it takes time for my body to adjust, get emptied, and etc. I actually avoided taking the second-day's round of laxing...so I have had to be natural about the process.

Tonight, I'm going to exhibit more self-control on eating. I'll eat slowly, and carefully, and not over-do it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable again, like last night. I don't even care what I eat, as long as I'm in control of me.

4:00 and all is weh-ehhhhhlll

Ow. My tummy has this wierd empty-suction-feeling-inside-out-burps thing going on. It does that whenever I haven't eaten. Dunno what it is, really.

I made a 0 calorie salad dressing...with 'hot sauce from hell' in it. Got too much of that in there, and now I can't eat the salad I wanted to have. lol

So far today I'm at 55 calories in beverages.

This may be tmi, but I'm planning on laxing out yesterday's binge before the day is out. I had to wait, because of the round of them I took from the day before. I can't let that stuff sit in there and fester--which is the mental picture I have, and thus I must respond. I bought some Johnson&Johnson baby-bottom ointment, 'cause...well, ...you know. :[

Post Binge-ish day

I made the mistake of staying up way too late last night when I had to get up way too early this morning. That, on top of the day-after-way-too-much-to-eat stomach issues...I'm feeling a bit sluggish, but otherwise am really happy for today to be here.

Well...it is almost mid-day by now, and so far, so good on the 100 calorie day. I was afraid to get on the scale this morning, after the last two day's of eating whatever. I overcame my fears, however...and the results of the weigh in weren't as bad as they could have been. Still, I was up by 3.4 lbs. But a good portion of that has to be all this junk in my gut. I can feel it in there. OMG it is so uncomfortable!

I was on duty as a volunteer at the gym this morning, but still didn't feel well enough to put in my workout. So I'm planning to do my toning workout with a video I downloaded from netflix. I'll probably get a more complete overall workout with a video, than if I try to make up my own early of a morning in a facility that is freezing...it was only 62* in there!!! Yikes!

I'm babysitting for a friend's little 10-month-old girl. She is happily entertaining herself at the moment, smiling, singing, and talking about something really important by the sounds of it. I have her on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. I'm just helping out while her mom is working on homework.

My hubby is on the evening shift tonight, so he'll be leaving about 2:30 p.m. for work. This should pan out to be a relatively easy day, apart from my wanting to sleep so badly. Maybe a nap at 3, then a workout after that, then an evening with my computer...? We'll see what happens.

Oh...and it is snowing here. Pretty, but soooooo cold.

Tomorrow, then.

I guess I'm gonna do my 'restart' tomorrow. I had just a bit of nutrition research that I wanted to finish up today...I was contemplating an extreme low carb type of food plan, but I have realized how impossible that would become to follow, considering the restriction of calories. When one restricts calories extremely low, carbohydrates in the form of fruits and veggies become all too important. Not to mention that many 5-10 calorie foods all contain a carb here and there...and that all adds up soooooo quickly!

In order to make the low carb plan work, I would have to put my body into ketosis, which limits the carbs AND the proteins...then the fat % would have to compensate. I did this last week, with positive results on the scale. The problem however was that the daily caloric intake was uncomfortably high...and mentally, I couldn't handle it. Then I ended up with a binge-type mentality. Not good. Oh, and also, I have a tendancy to abuse lax to get 'emptied out'. So naturally, being paranoid about protein and fats sitting in my gut, I had to ...tmi. Anyway...the whole experiment ended badly.

I've played around with vegetarianism as well. It is still an option. In the past, I've tried to adjust my foods in that direction a bit. I still have my tofu and soy-crumble meat substitutes and all that in my freezer, calling my name. ...but that is another topic for later.

So this weekend, I've not been on any plan, and have been floundering about how to go about moving on from this.

I think the best bet is to just eat as needed, within my caloric daily limits, and hopefully keep my energy up enough to pull of my workout schedule. It is by far the easiest method, at least for me right now. I'll allow for some fasting days, too...they always cheer me up! :)

I stayed home from church this morning...very out of character for me. I usually only miss like 1-3 Sundays per year, and that's if I'm out of town, or ill and in bed. The only illness I'm suffering from is the lax-issues right now. I could have gone. But seriously...I'm bummed out from the eating I've done, and the last thing I wanted to do was go be around people and smile, and pretend that I'm in a good mood. So...I slept in.

Here's proof that it is out of character for me to miss church: My parents showed up at my door on their way home from service, to check that my hubby and I hadn't died of carbon monoxide poisoning. My mom probably didn't get anything out of the sermon, because she was sitting there the whole time imagining what I had possibly died of. Lol!

I am a bit cheered up, though, just knowing that tomorrow, when I wake up, I'll be back in control of my food intake. And after a week of living on cheese and processed lunch meats, I'll be looking forward to simply having a bowl of oatmeal or wheat puffs for breakfast...if I eat that early in the day. Tomorrow is actually supposed to be a 100 cal day...so mostly liquids should be it. Or, OMG!!! I could have a cup of coffee with my flavored sugar free creamers...I've missed them...they had carbs. :(

My struggles...one destination

A little history:

I have an eating disorder. I have had since I was about 15 or 16 years old. My tendencies change from day to week to month to year, but my determination remains.

At age 15 or 16, I was exercising 3 to 5 hours per day, restricting, and maintaining a BMI of 19.2 with overeating at times, overloading on protein and weightlifting...(I had a six pack of abs!). I was entering into my eating disorder full swing by then...it was growing stronger every day.

1995 BMI 19.6 and severely restricting among other various methods to lose weight for my wedding. It got so bad that I passed out a few times. I had much to learn about maintaining blood sugar, lol!!!

1997 BMI 23.8 and depressed, attempting one 'diet plan' after another. Eventually I found one that triggered me nicely into anorexia behaviors again.

2000 BMI 18.3 and enrolled in cosmetology school, believing I was finally on my way to happiness, although I hated myself more than ever.

2001 BMI rising...steadily...until it reached around the 24 mark again.

2006 depression at an all-time low...

2007 I lost all the weight back down to 18.3 BMI, and was admitted for a week into a mental ward for an addiction to laxatives, and suicidal thoughts.

2008 I 'recovered' and gained 67 lbs., a BMI of 30.5, which is just across the line into 'obesity'.

2009 I am losing again...for a BMI of 17 . Only this time I've got to actually reach my goal, and maintain if for a lifetime.

I've learned much over the years...

Currently, I am on a weight loss cycle. A much needed one. I have lost somewhere around 20 lbs. since Dec. 2008., though I have a long ways to go yet.

I've taken a couple days 'off' (sort of--I may explain more about this later) to revamp my diet and exercise plans. Many hours have gone into this project. Either tomorrow or Monday will find me back 'on' to my weight loss effort. I've got until the end of May to lose the next 57ish lbs. I would settle for 50 lbs, but then finish losing the rest during June, and I wouldn't be mad about it. The ultimate goal date is July 4th... I want to experience true freedom from feeling fat and celebrate it properly by watching a fireworks display and remembering my journey...and vowing never to have to struggle with weight again.

I am training for a 5-mile race on June 6th this year. So I've planned my diet to accommodate the workouts...the plan looks like this:

Sunday 700 calories, no workout--rest day.
Monday 100 calories, light toning and stretching
Tuesday 500 calories, and a moderate to hard cardio (sprint intervals, elyptical, and stair step) with stretching.
Wednesday 300 calories, and a moderate toning and stretching workout.
Thursday 700 calories, moderate to hard cardio (running--pace setting, elyptical, and stair step) followed by stretching.
Friday 300 calories, long slow cardio (distance by walking with inclines), toning and stretching.
Saturday 900 calories, distance running, and stretching.

I must stay strong. I must do this.