My struggles...one destination

A little history:

I have an eating disorder. I have had since I was about 15 or 16 years old. My tendencies change from day to week to month to year, but my determination remains.

At age 15 or 16, I was exercising 3 to 5 hours per day, restricting, and maintaining a BMI of 19.2 with overeating at times, overloading on protein and weightlifting...(I had a six pack of abs!). I was entering into my eating disorder full swing by then...it was growing stronger every day.

1995 BMI 19.6 and severely restricting among other various methods to lose weight for my wedding. It got so bad that I passed out a few times. I had much to learn about maintaining blood sugar, lol!!!

1997 BMI 23.8 and depressed, attempting one 'diet plan' after another. Eventually I found one that triggered me nicely into anorexia behaviors again.

2000 BMI 18.3 and enrolled in cosmetology school, believing I was finally on my way to happiness, although I hated myself more than ever.

2001 BMI rising...steadily...until it reached around the 24 mark again.

2006 depression at an all-time low...

2007 I lost all the weight back down to 18.3 BMI, and was admitted for a week into a mental ward for an addiction to laxatives, and suicidal thoughts.

2008 I 'recovered' and gained 67 lbs., a BMI of 30.5, which is just across the line into 'obesity'.

2009 I am losing again...for a BMI of 17 . Only this time I've got to actually reach my goal, and maintain if for a lifetime.

I've learned much over the years...

Currently, I am on a weight loss cycle. A much needed one. I have lost somewhere around 20 lbs. since Dec. 2008., though I have a long ways to go yet.

I've taken a couple days 'off' (sort of--I may explain more about this later) to revamp my diet and exercise plans. Many hours have gone into this project. Either tomorrow or Monday will find me back 'on' to my weight loss effort. I've got until the end of May to lose the next 57ish lbs. I would settle for 50 lbs, but then finish losing the rest during June, and I wouldn't be mad about it. The ultimate goal date is July 4th... I want to experience true freedom from feeling fat and celebrate it properly by watching a fireworks display and remembering my journey...and vowing never to have to struggle with weight again.

I am training for a 5-mile race on June 6th this year. So I've planned my diet to accommodate the workouts...the plan looks like this:

Sunday 700 calories, no workout--rest day.
Monday 100 calories, light toning and stretching
Tuesday 500 calories, and a moderate to hard cardio (sprint intervals, elyptical, and stair step) with stretching.
Wednesday 300 calories, and a moderate toning and stretching workout.
Thursday 700 calories, moderate to hard cardio (running--pace setting, elyptical, and stair step) followed by stretching.
Friday 300 calories, long slow cardio (distance by walking with inclines), toning and stretching.
Saturday 900 calories, distance running, and stretching.

I must stay strong. I must do this.