Reality? Disordered.

Once again, I come to the inevitable conclusion...that I am eating disordered, in spite of my attempts of being un-disordered. It is a life-time struggle. I find myself almost believing that I can come out of it, only to be pulled back into a different reality. I wonder if it is an illness that cannot be cured? ...however, I do believe that one can at least overcome certain unhealthy aspects of it...which I am trying to do. Or at least I think I am trying.

After the wake-up check on the scale, I have admitted to myself, that to ease up on my strategy will not produce weight loss. I am happy however to note, that after the 20 lbs. lost during Dec., Jan., etc. that I have essentially maintained the loss successfully!!! That, by itself is a big miracle!

I guess, what I'm seeing, is that for whatever reason, I lose when I'm really buckling down, and although I don't always enjoy that process, it is unfortunately necessary to be serious, and intentional. In my desire to not be eating-disordered, I find myself avoiding 'weight loss tactics', but inevitably gaining or not losing, which MUST be done, as I need to get down to at least 100 lbs. The fact is, as I am forced to accept, that I don't know how to properly not be disordered. I lack the skills, I suppose.

Compared to the end of February, I am much more calm and collected. March has been a huge learning month, and I have made many gains in putting on a more healthy mindset, especially when it comes to the workout dept.!!! Not to mention that I have put on muscle and lost fat (although the scale remained the same). I do love having a bit more muscle--especially knowing that my metabolism is improved!!!

So, I've had 2 months of nice weight loss, followed by a month of OCD frenzy and craziness, followed by a month of avoiding the scale, yet pursuing health. Time to buckle down, as long as I don't get carried away again, and risk my health.

Here are some of my 'Food Rules':

Eating plenty of veggies, fruits, fiber-filled carbs, and getting enough lean protein.
Drinking (hopefully) 1 gallon of water per day.
Taking vitamins daily.
I am not going to buy the altered diet-versions of foods so that I can 'eat more'.
I am taking Sundays 'off' with no 'restrictions'...moderation and common sense apply, though!!!
As much as I think I don't want to do it, the bottom line is always calories in/calories out, so...
I am keeping a food diary...tracking calories, carbs, proteins, fat grams, and sodium.
I will rate hunger and fullness levels, trying to learn how to 'listen to my body'.
No lax, unless used for the proper purposes... not to simply empty my gut for conscience sake.

Workout Rules:
No workouts for any muscle group that is sore from a previous workout.
Counting miles as I accumulate them, rather than calories (although I still know the calories, lol).
Cross training...no two days in a row with the same exercise.
Lifting weights to build muscle.
Stretching daily, 30 minutes total as a minimum.
Continuing my effort to build up to a solid 5-mile running distance...for my race.
Do my best--which doesn't mean maxing out at 100%; but a well-rounded effort, safely improving, rather than exhausting my body beyond it's ability to bounce-back quickly.